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Rochdale, UK
The Daily Mail

Terror as scientists find link between Daily Mail and racist pensioners

Following an uncomfortable family dinner with her parents, local woman Karen Smith, 28, reported to friends yesterday that she fears mirroring their gradual decline into casual racism. “I first noticed the symptoms in my dad...

Susan Boyle to sing Dead Kennedys ‘Too Drunk To F*ck’ at Trump Inauguration

In a last ditch attempt to find a "celebrity" to perform at Trump's Inauguration Scottish songstress and Britain's Got Talent sensation Susan Boyle (aka 'The Hairy Cornflake') has been approached by the president-soon-to-be's office...

Archbishop Welby kicks shit out of Nigel Farage following Twitter spat

Archbishop Welby is currently helping police with their enquiries in Westminster after allegedly kerb stomping Nigel Farage.

Golding’s demands to serve term with ‘own people’ granted as prisons full of violent...

Paul Golding's demands to serve his 8 week prison sentence "amongst his own people" have been agreed to because, frankly, British prisons are stuffed full of violent white men in their 40s. Despite the...
Alanis Morisette

Alanis Morisette to rename 1996 hit Inconvenient after learning what Ironic means

Canadian rock songstress Alanis Morisette has re-written her 1996 classic single "Ironic" after finally meeting a British person who filled her in on the meaning of the word irony.

Lidl gravy to hit £110 per litre

The budget supermarket is set to raise chicken and meat gravy prices after it was revealed that they both contain xylene, a chemical found in crude oil. The gravy manufacturer, Kania, have refused to comment...
Licking your phone

Licking your phone never tasted so good

You know you want it, and now you can get it for free. We all know how those wicked tyrants at Facebook are trying to deprive you of your regular fix of satire and it...

Time travelling boffin to fix 2016

Rochdale physicist Dr. Athelstan J Bilsborough says that he is overwhelmed by donations and investments into his Rochdale Time Travel Lab this year.

Party that chose most hated candidate in history wondering how it lost

The Democratic Party is today asking “How could this happen?” after they fielded the most hated politician in American history to be their candidate. “We honestly thought that Hillary- who’s George Herbert Bush but with...

Trudeau Promises Canadian Citizens A Wall. ‘U.S. Will Pay’

Canadian Premier Justin Trudeau reacted to the news of Donald Trump's election as US President by announcing plans for a wall to be built along the US/Canadian border.  "While we are the most hospitable of...

Dolphins disappear across the globe as Trump Inauguration looms

Oceans across the globe are feeling decidedly odd today after the entire planet's population of porpoises and dolphins completely and utterly disappeared overnight. "I really can't understand it," said Oceanographer at Florida's famous Sea World,...

Daily Mail Readers confused more toddlers haven’t walked alone to UK from Syria

Daily Mail Readers are confused more toddlers haven't walked the 2,000 miles to Calais from Syria.

Cry me a river Jordan

Katie price has emotionally revealed that's she's still too upset to talk about her 6th husband Kieran Hayler, and his affair with Jane Pountney. Katie, holding back tears, said: "It's all still too raw and I...
Paramedics transporting Nigel Farage to the ambulance

Farage in critical condition after fall at a supporters meeting

Nigel Farage is in hospital today after coming to the defence of ludicrously abhorrent comments made about women by Donald Trump.
Lord Sugar from The Apprentice

Lord Sugar to humiliate 18 tossers in annual quest to find biggest twat

Hairy scrotum faced narcissist and entrepreneur, Lord Sugar, has launched his annual challange to find the UK's biggest arsehole after himself. The one time Klingon cameo actor will spend the next 10 weeks firing people...

Wanker punches Dickhead. Dickhead in serious condition

News is emerging from Belgium today that a wanker has punched a dickhead and the dickhead is in a serious condition with a bleed on the brain.


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