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Rochdale, UK

Christmas moved to November 12th

Theresa May's government yesterday announced plans to move Christmas forward this year to November the 12th, just in case we don't all reach December. The decision was taken soon after Bumberling Boris decided to flex...

Picture yourself in their shoes

A picture of Omran Daqneesh, the five year old boy who was pulled from the rubble that used to be his home in Aleppo, Syria yesterday, has hit the news media by storm and...

French Declare Victory and Award Medals After Sniper Shoots Drinks Waiter

France has declared 3 days of National holidays after a "hero" sniper accidentally injured two people who were moving cases of Evian at an event featuring President Francois Hollande. The shot was fired from a...
Marine A

Marine A tired of catchphrase ‘shuffle off this mortal coil you c*nt’

The soldier formerly know as "Marine A" has finally been released following his time served for slaughtering an injured enemy combatant and recording his crime in full audio and video. But he has complained the media...

ISIS win the war by leaving passports at home

America, Russia and the United Nations admitted defeat earlier today and proclaimed ISIS the winners of the global holy war. President elect Trump has already Tweeted that America will be building 68,000 new compulsory mosques,...

British Firewall totally not about censorship and spying, says head of spying and censorship...

GCHQ, the British spy agency that is regularly exposed for bugging our phones and nicking our online data to spy on us, has announced that it wants what is being called a Great British...

Revealed: GCHQ Toaster Hack Turns Leavers Into Remainers…

An exclusive Herald investigation has revealed the extent to which the government's monitoring agency GCHQ can manipulate public opinion through the hacking of common household appliances. Following news that GCHQ was involved in helping Obama...

Vexatious Claims: A Rochdale Herald Guide

The government says it wants to dodge certain bits of the European Convention On Human Rights because of an "Industry of false and vexatious claims" against British soldiers who served in places like Iraq...

Theresa May to open new Ministry of Silly Bans

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced a new Ministry of Silly Bans, to be set up immediately. The job of the new department will be to intently copy stupid American ideas about what to ban. Its...

Chewing gum booms as government invests £100 billion in wrong ‘Trident.’

An administrative error has seen government funding to renew British nuclear armaments sent to the wrong ‘Trident.’ Earlier today £100 billion was electronically transferred to the chewing gum company Trident, a branch of confectionery empire...

Trident satnav and sellotape cutbacks a mistake admits Michael Fallon

Top honcho at the MOD, the right honourable Sir Michael Fallon MP, has admitted that cutbacks in the Trident programme may have contributed to the near-nuking of the US last year. So what were these...
Magic Circle

Magic Circle Trigger Terror Alert

Amid growing concern and fears for public safety, illusionist extremists The Magic Circle have been deemed a threat to security and democracy. The so-called magicians have publicly recorded many of their barbaric acts including brutally...

People confused over what Testing is for

Journalists and other easily baffled people were today up in arms that a thing being tested didn't work as planned. Idiots the country over were shocked to be told that highly complicated and expensive systems...

Chinese cardboard rocket manufacturers report bumper earnings following Korean military parades

Manufacturers of gigantic cardboard rockets and inflatable tanks have reported record profits for April following Kim Jong Un's massive display of military force. "It's been an amazing quarter to be honest," Chinese factory owner Sum...

Arms manufacturers to commemorate the fallen dead

Since 1919, on the second Sunday of November, otherwise known as Remembrance Sunday, a two minute silence has been observed at 11am at war memorials, cenotaphs, religious services and shopping centres throughout the country. Not...
Drunk man

Thomas the Trident Engine runaway incident: Fat controller was drunk

Rumours are circulating of a culture of abuse at the MOD, which spilled over in a final steaming argument between the fat controller and Thomas the Trident Engine. Said one source we contacted who worked...

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