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French Declare Victory and Award Medals After Sniper Shoots Drinks Waiter

France has declared 3 days of National holidays after a "hero" sniper accidentally injured two people who were moving cases of Evian at an event featuring President Francois Hollande. The shot was fired from a...

ISIS win the war by leaving passports at home

America, Russia and the United Nations admitted defeat earlier today and proclaimed ISIS the winners of the global holy war. President elect Trump has already Tweeted that America will be building 68,000 new compulsory mosques,...

British Firewall totally not about censorship and spying, says head of spying and censorship...

GCHQ, the British spy agency that is regularly exposed for bugging our phones and nicking our online data to spy on us, has announced that it wants what is being called a Great British...

Vexatious Claims: A Rochdale Herald Guide

The government says it wants to dodge certain bits of the European Convention On Human Rights because of an "Industry of false and vexatious claims" against British soldiers who served in places like Iraq...

Revealed: GCHQ Toaster Hack Turns Leavers Into Remainers…

An exclusive Herald investigation has revealed the extent to which the government's monitoring agency GCHQ can manipulate public opinion through the hacking of common household appliances. Following news that GCHQ was involved in helping Obama...

Chewing gum booms as government invests £100 billion in wrong ‘Trident.’

An administrative error has seen government funding to renew British nuclear armaments sent to the wrong ‘Trident.’ Earlier today £100 billion was electronically transferred to the chewing gum company Trident, a branch of confectionery empire...

Theresa May to open new Ministry of Silly Bans

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced a new Ministry of Silly Bans, to be set up immediately. The job of the new department will be to intently copy stupid American ideas about what to ban. Its...

Trident satnav and sellotape cutbacks a mistake admits Michael Fallon

Top honcho at the MOD, the right honourable Sir Michael Fallon MP, has admitted that cutbacks in the Trident programme may have contributed to the near-nuking of the US last year. So what were these...

People confused over what Testing is for

Journalists and other easily baffled people were today up in arms that a thing being tested didn't work as planned. Idiots the country over were shocked to be told that highly complicated and expensive systems...

Arms manufacturers to commemorate the fallen dead

Since 1919, on the second Sunday of November, otherwise known as Remembrance Sunday, a two minute silence has been observed at 11am at war memorials, cenotaphs, religious services and shopping centres throughout the country. Not...
Nuclear explosion

May denies knee-jerk policy reaction to Trident misfire

Sources at Number 10 today denied that there was any connection between elements of Theresa May's new industrial strategy and the colossal Trident balls-up she tried to cover up. Today's green paper contains a promise...
Drunk man

Thomas the Trident Engine runaway incident: Fat controller was drunk

Rumours are circulating of a culture of abuse at the MOD, which spilled over in a final steaming argument between the fat controller and Thomas the Trident Engine. Said one source we contacted who worked...

Trident Subs: Gotta catch ’em all

Speaking at the Nato summit in Warsaw this week, David Cameron has hinted that almost £16bn ear-marked for the renewal of the Trident nuclear weapons system may be redirected to Niantic, the company behind...

Lockheed Martin Trident Vote after party “off the hook”

Details are sketchy at present but apparently the Lockheed Martin Trident Vote after party was absolutely "off the hook". We can only imagine what kind of party you might throw for 472 of your closest...

Missile strike in Syria; mass outpouring of grief from OneDirection fans

Following the disastrous US missile strike in Syria yesterday which claimed the lives of 57 civilians including 11 children, teenagers and young adults around the world have taken to social media in their hundreds...
Nuclear explosion

“We’re looking forward to getting out” say nuclear weapons. 

Nuclear weapons all over the world are today looking forward to their upcoming launch as an opportunity to stretch their legs.  With launch codes about to be given to President Fuckface Von Clownstick, many weapons...

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