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Rochdale, UK

Britain First’s Paul Golding and the EDL’s Ian Crossland announce engagement

Shock today as Britain First leader Paul Golding announced he is to marry EDL chief, Ian Crossland. Although the pair often claim to support gay rights, particularly when opposed by perceived Muslim oppressors, it has...
Magic Circle

Magic Circle Trigger Terror Alert

Amid growing concern and fears for public safety, illusionist extremists The Magic Circle have been deemed a threat to security and democracy. The so-called magicians have publicly recorded many of their barbaric acts including brutally...

Barclays customer sent to Guantanamo after overdraft complaint

A Rochdale man has been kidnapped by US intelligence services and sent to Guantanamo Bay after he complained to his local Barclays Bank about high overdraft charges. Quentin D. Fortesqueue, editor of The Rochdale Herald,...
Bob Marley

Bob Marley suspended from Labour Party over claims iron lions are from Zion

Scandal has hit the beleaguered former political party, the Labour Party, this morning after a kangaroo court voted to suspend the dead Rastafarian singer Bob Marley for anti-semitism. "You can't just go around throwing words...

People who go for walks but don’t own a dog are a bit weird...

The Kennel club released a statement this afternoon saying that people who don't own a dog but go for a daily walk are a bit weird, probably up to something and should be approached with caution.
Sturgeon

Will of the Scottish People Revealed to be Sturgeon’s Imaginary Friend

An SNP insider has revealed that Nicola Sturgeon’s repeated use of the phrase ‘Will of the Scottish People’ is actually a reference to her long-term imaginary friend and not the democratic wishes of the...

EU offers bribe of better UK weather if we remain

The European Union, desperate for the UK to remain, have said that the proposed European Standard Weather system due to come into operation early next year, could be extended to the UK - but...
Vegan woman

Bank of England to use vegan fat in new £20 notes

Last year vegans and social justice warriors, fighting on behalf of un-offended Hindus and Sikhs, absolutely lost their shit because of the Bank of England's new £5 notes. 'Tallowgate l', as it became known, sparked...

BBC to Celebrate April 1st as Farage Day

The BBC announced Saturday that it is designating Aril 1st as "Farage Day", in honour of the enormous contribution that seven times unelected former UKIP leader Nigel Farage has made to taking the UK...
Bleeding figure of Christ

PC BBC bans ‘graphically violent’ crucifixion depictions for Easter

In a controversial move, the BBC has announced it will be 'normalising' it's guidelines for showing scenes of violence, by banning all images of the crucifixion. This will not be a new policy, it says,...
Baby seal

Baby seals used in making of new £1 coin.

The bank of England and Royal Mint announced today that the new pound coin that entered into circulation this week is made using the blubber of baby seals. After much controversy from vegans, and middle-class...

Theresa May to Naked Mud Wrestle Nicola Sturgeon for the Right to Trigger Brexit

British Prime Minister Theresa May is to mud wrestle naked with Scottish nationalist leader Nicola Sturgeon for the right to trigger article 50 to take the United Kingdom out the European Union. Sources close to the prime...
Michael McIntyre

Comic Relief to be just Michael McIntyre and a bunch of Russells in future

The BBC announced today that all future Comic Relief events will simply be Michael McIntyre and people called Russell running around and doing observational routines. Deputy Director General Sir Vincent Cost said that, as they...

Amber Rudd announces plan to ban envelopes

Home Secretary Amber Rudd has announced that envelopes will be banned from the end of the month. The Home Office has also announced that all letters will have to go through a GCHQ censor, re-education...

Corbyn popularity ratings soar after ZZ Top grant him keys to magic Hot Rod

In what would at first glance appear to be a complete and utter ripoff of an Onion article dating back to 1997, Labour Party Supremo Jeremy Corbyn has seen his popularity rating soaring to...
Michael Gove

Gove calls for post-Brexit legalisation of cannibalism

Former Tory minister and leading Brexit campaigner Michael Gove has called on the government to slash EU regulations on cannibalism which he claims have been holding back British industry. "We need to take back control...

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