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Theresa May

Prime Minister to help poor by donating fox meat to food banks

Theresa May has today unveiled plans to improve the diet of malnourished children in areas with high levels poverty. "This is a great policy that kills two pheasants with one load of buckshot" said the Prime Minister. "With...

Twenty two point lead for Tories touts Telegraph

Conservatives clap to celebrate clear lead as misdirectional muppetry f/makes news yet again after the Telegraph published the definitely not at all orchestrated and not tailored to a chosen demographic ICM poll results. "It's a genius plan,...
fox cubs

Corbyn supports hunting with dogs repeal in Government manifesto

Jeremy Corbyn has pledged to support the Conservative Party's promise to repeal the fox hunting ban. This appears to be the result of him mishearing "hunting" and believing they are intent on repealing a ban...

Prince Philip Declares He Will Only Die In Battle

The Queen's husband and consort, Philip "The Swagger" Windsor, has revealed he is privately wishing for renewed hostilities with "that red headed rabble", by which he means Scotland, to break out following Brexit. Retiring from...
Marine A

Marine A tired of catchphrase ‘shuffle off this mortal coil you c*nt’

The soldier formerly know as "Marine A" has finally been released following his time served for slaughtering an injured enemy combatant and recording his crime in full audio and video. But he has complained the media...
Queen and Philip

Prince Philip disappointed not to get his own sparkly hat

The Duke of Edinburgh’s retirement is entirely down to one thing, it would seem. Speculation has been rife ever since the announcement, but now it turns out it’s all about hats. Despite being the...

Nuttall loses close personal seats in election disaster

Accident prone Paul Nuttall, leader of UKIP, faced fresh tragedy today after learning that all his ‘close personal seats’ were lost in an election catastrophe. Grim-faced Paul had returned home after spending time on the...

Prince Philip says secret to easy life is having somebody to iron your socks

Everyone is always talking about the youthful composure of our national treasure Prince Phillip. Now his retirement has been announced, the spritely Greek has revealed his secret. In an exclusive retirement interview he told...

Tories to pledge crackdown on food bankers’ bonuses

A leaked copy of the Conservative Party's election manifesto has revealed plans to crackdown on 'luxury' items being handed out to those forced to attend at food banks. The policy is believed to have been...

Proper Patriots furious about Po Ling Day

Patriots across Ingerlaand are furious today after hearing that it's Po Ling Day. “Why we celebrating some bleeding foreigner, eh?” spat Rochdale UKIP supporter Arthur Witt, “I didn't hear nuffing about Saint George's day the...
Prince Philip

Prince Philip deemed fit to work after ATOS work capability assessment

Prince Philip has today relinquished his public duties due to his long service and old age. However 30 minutes later he was deemed fit to work in an ATOS work capability assessment. "He's able to walk, talk and...
Paul Nuttall

Paul Nuttall To Become Next Duke Of Edinburgh

Paul Nuttall will be assuming the position of Duke of Edinburgh, following the retirement of Prince Philip, he has confirmed. “It’s the perfect job, really,” he told the Rochdale Herald. “It means I’m in charge...
Philip

Prince Philip and Queen Elizabeth facing deportation post Brexit

An Emergency meeting was called at Buckingham palace earlier this week after the penny dropped with Prince Philip in regards to Brexit and complications with European immigration "Oh bollocks, I'm Greek and she's German, what if they send...

Marines B, C, D, E, F & G escape court martial by not forgetfully...

Today Marine B was quietly reflecting on the time he shot a badly wounded prisoner of war in Helmand. No one else ever heard about it because he remembered not to fucking film it. It's not...

New EU rules send shock waves through the terraces

New EU rules are set to send shock waves through the football terraces of the UK. According to sources close to the FA, the European Parliament's Fair Trade Advocacy Office in conjunction with the...
Calendar

Government Announces National Nothing Day.

From worthy issues such as International Women’s Day to cultural stereotypes like National Tea Day, it seems like every day is "something" Day. Just about anything you can imagine, there’s a day for it;...

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