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Rochdale, UK

Poll reveals public wants good old fashioned political sex scandal

A Herald survey reveals that public perception of politicians lean towards disappointment at them not having any juicy sex scandals anymore.  Carried out at the Rochdale Exchange we asked shoppers if they were concerned with...

Liberal hospitalised after catching racism from Daily Mail

A Rochdale man has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital today after contracting racism from a close encounter with the Daily Mail.  Colin Nigelsson, a liberal from Broadfield Park has for years habitually used the...
Luxury goods shop

Local luxury goods firm goes bust

  High end retailer, Lewis Veeton Moway, has closed its doors for the last time, citing poor sales despite a massive promotional campaign. Rupert Cholmondley-Featherstonehaugh, the CEO of the bling-to-Bentley store, said, "We had little option...

Trading Standards to prosecute Gastro Pub for using plates

A new gastro pub, The Pissed Idiot, in Rochdale is under investigation by trading standards after allegedly serving food on actual plates rather than on old dustbin lids and chopping boards. "We've received reports of...

Rochdale Herald Editor Re-admitted to Hospital

Herald editor, Quentin D. Fortesqueue has been re-admitted to Rochdale General Hospital for surgery to remove his tongue from his cheek. The jaded and cynical hack-in-chief of Rochdale’s only quality satirical organ had very recently...

Donald Trump to lift Muslim ban ‘with immediate effect’ after learning of Manchester protests

The new President's controversial Muslim ban has caused outrage across the globe and chaos in airports all across the US. Last night thousands of protesters gathered in central Manchester, joining many others in major cities...

Naked gym guy insists “I’m just high on life”

Reports are circulating that a middle aged man stripped stark bollock naked last night at local budget gym, LoveMuscle. Eyewitnesses claim he was beating his hairy chest with his fists and foaming at the mouth...

Brexit voter furious he can’t get tee off time at Golf Club he is...

Local Brexit voter, Steve Dickinson, is said to be furious with Manchester Golf Club after discovering he can't get the tee off times he wants since letting his membership lapse.

Manchester tram ‘spontaneous combustion’ victim named

Commuters were left stunned this morning when Londoner Harry Turner spontaneously burst into flames aboard a Manchester tram.  The tragedy occurred after he was forced to sing the Hokey Cokey by jovial tram driver Roy...
Old man smoking

Police find cannabis farm at Rochdale old folks home

Cannabis plants have been uncovered at 'Bright Horizons' home for the elderly, Kirkholt, this morning. Police describe the haul as a kick in the teeth for old timer Jack Jacobs aka 'Dentures'. One eye witness...

Rochdale Man breaks record for Most Conspiracies Believed

Local man, Kelvin Pastie, 31, an unemployed something or the other, believes he is one of the only people in the world to believe every conspiracy theory going.  Kelvin lives with his mum, Brenda, and...
Danczuk

Simon Danczuk wins Prestigious most Tory Tweet Award 2017 Le Chatte d’Or

Simon Danczuk has won the 2017 most Tory Tweet Award after taking to Twitter to complain about homeless beggars in Rochdale today.

Rochdale’s Indian Youth Bemoan Lack of “English” Takeaways

Rochdale's Indian youth have complained that there is a distinct lack of  late night 'English' takeaway food available in the town. "You know what it's like - you go out with your mates for a...
knitting

16 Dead In Rochdale Women’s Institute Needle Exchange Hep B Outbreak

The Department of Health have launched an inquiry into an outbreak of Hepatitis B at a Rochdale WI knitting needle swap scheme after untreated cases resulted in the death of sixteen members.  Problems seemed to...
The Daily Mail

Terror as scientists find link between Daily Mail and racist pensioners

Following an uncomfortable family dinner with her parents, local woman Karen Smith, 28, reported to friends yesterday that she fears mirroring their gradual decline into casual racism. “I first noticed the symptoms in my dad...

Local Entrepreneur Makes Big Hit On Dragon’s Den

Local businessman Vinnie 'Fingers' McPherson entered the big league in the world of high finance today when his appearance on TV's popular Dragon's Den show took him from pitch to rich. "I love doing this show" a...

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