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Rochdale, UK
Rochdale paramedics

Husband fails to avoid loaded question

A Rochdale man is currently receiving counselling and treatment for first-degree burns after failing to give the correct answer to a blatantly loaded question posed by his wife. James Grossweiner, 52, was caught floundering shortly...
Rock, Paper, Scissors

Council election draw decided by ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’

In a remarkable turn of events, there have been two draws in results in the Local Council elections. Northumberland County Council saw Conservative and Liberal Democrats ties, which were decided by drawing lots of straws...

Nation in shock as use finally found for Ed Miliband

The nation was in shock this afternoon after rumours began circulating that Ed Miliband had done something useful somewhere up North. "It can't be true." Maureen Liphook of Middleton Labour NEC told The Herald. "He's...
Riot Police

Corner shop owner lynched by mob in Rochdale after caught selling Yorkshire Tea

Marge Riley, 74, was confronted by an angry mob of local residents who objected to her display of Yorkshire Teas. “I just wanted to give my regulars something a little exotic, so I got some...

Gerry Anderson to Return as String Puppet

Die-hard Thunderbirds fans are celebrating the surprise announcement that Gerry Anderson is to headline the upcoming Cromer 60s Festival. North Norfolk District Council broke the news on Twitter that the creator of the cult 60s...

Archbishops To Sue Builders Over Health and Safety Gone Mad

A group of five Archbishops of Canterbury are to sue the building firm Klumsi 'n Fook.  Klumsi 'n Fook, were carrying out renovation works on a small chapel when they accidentally broke the flagstones inside...
House Price

Rochdale Residents excited at house price rises in Post-Apocalypse Britain

Rochdale residents are said to be very excited by the prospect of house price rises for the first time in almost a century in post-apocalyptic Britain. "It's very exciting." A spokesman for Rochdale estate agency...

Vicar attacked for dropping Easter from Easter Sunday

A 45 year-old Rochdale man is recovering in hospital today after being attacked for not referring to this coming Sunday as ‘Easter Sunday’. The victim, Rev. Roger Simpkins, was greeting a member of his congregation...
Dinner party group

Cheap bottle of wine is eventually returned to original gift giver

A bottle of £3.50 red wine from Lidl, which was brought to a house warming, has finally been returned to the cheapskate couple that originally bought it. The bottle has been gifted an estimated 12...
Flat earth map

Sheffield Council Declare Majority Of Citizens Think The World Is Flat.

Sheffield Council has been forced to declare their belief in a flat earth after applying the same statistical analysis to a recent on-line poll of a group of Sheffield residents on the shape of...

Local Liberal Claims To Only Visit Daily Mail Website For The Tits And Ass

Rochdale liberal Gerard Sutherland has told his wife that he only visits the Daily Mail website for the Z-list 'celebrity' tits and ass, and definitely not for the articles. The Guardian-reading father of two was...
Lion

Carnage as kids breaks into zoo for Mothers Day gift

When 5 year old Brody Loughlan asked his mother what she would like for Mothers Day, she didn't expect what happened next. "A lie in please" was the response of the exhausted mum of 5. What...

Cats claim they definitely won’t eat your face, probably

In the event of you suffering a serious accident that leaves you dead or incapacitated, your cat, definitely won’t eat your face, probably, a spokestabby told the Herald. “The very thought is just distasteful,” he...
Plain wooden coffin

Funeral business booming thanks to Tory policy

Funeral services are enjoying an unprecedented rise in trade thanks to the reforms in disability benefits and the selling off of NHS services. Although ATOS, the company used to assess work capacity, has come under fire...

Police Commissioner Confirms Police To Desist From Arresting People Doing Nothing Wrong

South Yorkshire Police Commissioner Adam Spillings went on record today as saying his force would no longer be arresting tree campaigners for doing nothing wrong 'under trade union law or any other law'. He...

Attenborough spotted in Rochdale as folk turn primitive

Residents of Rochdale coming to terms with the swear ban are having to learn how to communicate from scratch. Restricted from their usual expletive fuelled language they have resorted to primitive forms of communication. Wildlife experts...

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