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Rochdale, UK

Local Liberal Claims To Only Visit Daily Mail Website For The Tits And Ass

Rochdale liberal Gerard Sutherland has told his wife that he only visits the Daily Mail website for the Z-list 'celebrity' tits and ass, and definitely not for the articles. The Guardian-reading father of two was...
Lion

Carnage as kids breaks into zoo for Mothers Day gift

When 5 year old Brody Loughlan asked his mother what she would like for Mothers Day, she didn't expect what happened next. "A lie in please" was the response of the exhausted mum of 5. What...

Cats claim they definitely won’t eat your face, probably

In the event of you suffering a serious accident that leaves you dead or incapacitated, your cat, definitely won’t eat your face, probably, a spokestabby told the Herald. “The very thought is just distasteful,” he...
Plain wooden coffin

Funeral business booming thanks to Tory policy

Funeral services are enjoying an unprecedented rise in trade thanks to the reforms in disability benefits and the selling off of NHS services. Although ATOS, the company used to assess work capacity, has come under fire...

Police Commissioner Confirms Police To Desist From Arresting People Doing Nothing Wrong

South Yorkshire Police Commissioner Adam Spillings went on record today as saying his force would no longer be arresting tree campaigners for doing nothing wrong 'under trade union law or any other law'. He...

Attenborough spotted in Rochdale as folk turn primitive

Residents of Rochdale coming to terms with the swear ban are having to learn how to communicate from scratch. Restricted from their usual expletive fuelled language they have resorted to primitive forms of communication. Wildlife experts...

Sheffield councillors flummoxed By Spade and Pick Conundrum

Sheffield councillors visiting a street improvement site were utterly bamboozled when contractors lined up three spades against a wall and invited the councillors to 'take their pick'. Councillor Bryan Dodge, Cabinet  Member For Generating Profit...
Farage in Russian hat

Farage exposed as Russian “mole”, according to Rochdale medium

Rochdale medium Mrs Isadore Goggins today revealed that Nigel Farage is a Russian mole bent on destroying the UK, the EU and the US.  The news was revealed to her, she claims, by Richard Whiteley's spirit during...

Sheffield Tree Protestors Charged With Doing Nothing Illegal Are Freed

Two lovely blokes who were recently charged with doing absolutely nothing illegal by the dark forces of South Yorkshire police and Sheffield Council were celebrating their freedom yesterday. Simeon Cramp and Calvin Hobbes, who frequently...

Eager traffic tyrant issuing parking fines willy-nilly in the town

Disgruntled shopper Eileen McCarthy nipped into Poundland around lunchtime on Friday leaving her tartan bag on wheels parked up on the kerbside.  To her dismay on her return she found a distinctive yellow ticket strapped...

Smallbridge Flats Man Convinced Pigeon Likes to Watch him Hoover Naked

While spending a good portion of his weekly income on the Euromillions, Mr. Garry Lee Shaw complained about the fifth or even sixth time that week that he’d seen the exact same pigeon outside...
Tree lined street

Sheffield Tree-Felling Councillor Hospitalised With Irony Overdose

It has been revealed that Clr Brian 'Hodge' Podge, the Sheffield Councillor responsible for the hugely unpopular street tree felling programme, was rushed to hospital yesterday. Sheffield Council is Labour controlled and Labour Councillor Podge...

Poll reveals public wants good old fashioned political sex scandal

A Herald survey reveals that public perception of politicians lean towards disappointment at them not having any juicy sex scandals anymore.  Carried out at the Rochdale Exchange we asked shoppers if they were concerned with...

Liberal hospitalised after catching racism from Daily Mail

A Rochdale man has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital today after contracting racism from a close encounter with the Daily Mail.  Colin Nigelsson, a liberal from Broadfield Park has for years habitually used the...
Luxury goods shop

Local luxury goods firm goes bust

  High end retailer, Lewis Veeton Moway, has closed its doors for the last time, citing poor sales despite a massive promotional campaign. Rupert Cholmondley-Featherstonehaugh, the CEO of the bling-to-Bentley store, said, "We had little option...

Trading Standards to prosecute Gastro Pub for using plates

A new gastro pub, The Pissed Idiot, in Rochdale is under investigation by trading standards after allegedly serving food on actual plates rather than on old dustbin lids and chopping boards. "We've received reports of...

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