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Weekly Horoscopes With Olivia Astro – 20.6.16/26.6.16

Aries On Monday, dreamy Neptune makes it's annual journey through the choppy waters of Pisces and enters your twelfth house, so put aside any thoughts of socialising - otherwise you'll be bitterly disappointed and likely...

Weekly Horoscopes With Olivia Astro – 18.7.16/24.7.16

Thanks to a weekend ripped to the tits on PCP, mescaline, cocaine and cheap speed, I have been enduring hideous hallucinations and nightmarish visions, so everyone's horoscopes for the week will be represented by...

Weekly Horoscopes With Olivia Astro – 27.6.16/3.7.16

Aries The fall in the value of the pound is just the beginning of your financial woes this week - your pension provider will collapse, leaving you with nothing for your old age. You...

Herald’s Thought For The Day – Vicar Timothy Goodwin

Today’s Herald thought for the day comes from the Right Reverend Timothy Goodwin, Vicar of St. Timothy’s Parish Church, Dawlish. Walking in the lush green fields surrounding my picturesque 16th Century church, I am constantly...

Weekly Horoscopes With Olivia Astro – 1.8.16/7.8.16

Apologies for missing last week, but nothing interesting happened in your pathetic lives anyway. And I knew it wouldn't, so I felt I deserved some time off. Anyway, I'm sick of giving my powers...

EDL firebombs PC World in Rochdale town centre

The computer superstore PC World, this morning lies in tatters as a pile of smouldering rubble following a devastating attack last night.  The trouble began early yesterday when the EDL and Britain First Facebook pages...

This week’s front pages, at a glance

'Mr Shifty' Philip Green is exonerated of all wrongdoing when it transpires he is actually a seven year old boy. Forced to wear a pink frock and listen to the band McFly, he is...

Weekly Horoscopes With Olivia Astro – 11.7.17/17.7.16

Aries ? A visit to the dentist will end in both oral and mental discomfort when you wake up early from the completely unnecessary anaesthetic to find him fondling you. The dentist will put this...

This week’s front pages

100 BBC stars are to be anally probed as punishment for their historical sex crimes, in what the taxman is calling "Operation Free Lego Toy' As the value of the pound plummets, Clarkson is forced...

Aunty Angela’s Agony Corner

Dear Aunty Angela, I think my husband is cheating on me. We've been married for 15 years. He works in advertising and his job requires him to be away from home a lot. I'm a...

Weekly Horoscopes With Olivia Astro – 4.7.16/10.7.16

Aries Beware people driving silver Vauxhaul Vectras early in the week - they mean you harm and will go out of their way to inflict serious injuries upon your person. Strike first if you can...

Today’s Front Page Stories, at a glance

Poldark lookalike Liam Fox claims UK business is fat and lazy. "Look at those fat lazy business bastards. Gross. HAHAHAHAHAHA." Richard O'Brian lookalike Theresa May announces 'Education Time Warp' to be title song in upcoming...

This weeks front pages, at a glance

This weeks news, after a glance at the front pages... Ant and Dec secure trade deal with Australia ahead of 'Hard Brexit'. Tesco set to be first supermarket in UK to stock ostrich anus. Lags in...

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