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Rochdale, UK

Paul Simon to redo one of his biggest hits in tribute to ex EDL...

In a world exclusive, The Rochdale Herald can reveal that super succesful singer songwriter, Paul Simon, is working on a rewrite of the hit song, 'Mrs Robinson', from the classic movie, The Graduate. It appears...
Votey McVoteface

Conservative cabinet worried compensating fire survivors properly will just make them dependent on the...

Government emissions today suggest the Prime Minister and her cabinet are struggling to respond to last week's fire tragedy in a way that meshes with traditional Tory thinking, but doesn't make poor people dependent...

Man with plan to carpe the absolute diem out of today now on his...

A Rochdale man woke up Monday morning to his Eye of the Tiger alarm clock, punched the air, and said let’s get to work. Trevor Duckworth, 43, was full of vigour, after a brilliant weekend....

Put lipstick on a pig and it’s still an attractive pig says David Cameron

Embarrassed confusion reigned over the little Cotswold village of Slapstick-cum-Quickly as local resident David Cameron joined a misheard conversation and totally got the wrong end of the stick. The mix up occurred when David, who...

Grenfell Tower survivors offer Michael Gove their last five pounds to bugger off

Survivors of the Grenfell Tower disaster suffered a further shock last night when esteemed Tory minister Michael Gove was spotted in the vicinity. It's believed Gove was visiting friends in the area to make sure...

Hard left protestors to protest Grenfell fire by setting fire to buildings and looting...

Members of the hard left have announced plans to protest at the Grenfell fire by looting and setting fire to local shops it has emerged. Brother David told the Herald, "The Government's response has been poor...
Theresa May

Argos refuse to exchange or refund anymore Theresa May-bots

Shoppers in the UK were shocked by a press release this morning from popular retailer Argos, who state they will not exchange or refund anymore Theresa May-bots. The appliances have been a top seller both...

Government’s Brexit staff all writing “Trekking in Nepal” on CV’s

Recruitment agencies report an influx of fresh CV's today all listing activity from late summer last year until today as "Trekking in Nepal". All the CV's are from career civil servants, professional trade lobbyists and...

Clean-shaven white van man obviously failed by mental health services

A clean-shaven, white man has been arrested outside a Mosque in Finsbury, London, after his van veered off the road and directly into eleven bearded brown men. Reports are sketchy currently, but using information pieced...
Ed Sheeran

Ed Sheeran receives MBE for services to blandness

Ed Sheeran was clearly chuffed to receive his MBE for services to blandness, remarking, "I really don't know what to say, but it's a great honour." Sheeran has had a string of hits, although even his...

David Davis to demand the EU forms the next UK government

The first thing Brexiter David Davis will demand of the EU when Brexit discussions begin tomorrow morning will be to take over Britain and form the new UK government. This is a wise move given...

Fireproof cladding found for Westminster cover up

Following years of swingeing corner cutting, government officials anticipate further public outrage and blame as fallout from the Grenfell catastrophe. Luckily a magic money tree has been found to pay for the protective cladding to...

Couple thrilled by second baby have no understanding of its intentions yet

A couple thrilled by the safe arrival of their second baby have no idea of its intentions yet. Nic and Cassie Novella already have a three year old daughter called Allopecia. They have been 'managing...

Terrorist response strategy in disarray after meeting room mix up

Today's COBRA meeting had to be abandoned after it was discovered that Cabinet Office Briefing Room A had already been booked by Trevor from HR. The HR meeting could not be moved because, by...

Fathers happy to ditch Father’s Day if it means Mother’s Day is canned too

The Rochdale Institute of Advanced Fathering has issued a statement today offering to do away with Father's Day on the condition Mother's Day goes also. The offer is a timely one as fathers across the...

Leave voters incensed as EU threatens to take away Continental summer weather

Leave voters voiced their anger today as the EU threatened to take away the Continental weather that sees England baking in sunshine and heat normally only felt on package holidays in Continental Europe. Jean-Claude Junker...

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