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Paul Dacre hospitalised with stress after English Muslim cricketer wins man of the match...

Caught between "Moeen Ali spins England to victory!" and "Fury as Muslim immigrant takes YOUR place in the ENGLAND cricket team", the Daily Mail's editor was admitted to hospital suffering from advanced Editorial Conflictitis. The...
Wayne Rooney

Touching scenes as Rooney reunited with hair transplant donor

Footage has been revealed of the touching scenes when Wayne Rooney was reunited with his hair donor. The meeting took place on the rock of Gibraltar after Rooney was touring the rock and had just...
Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney moves from second best team in Manchester to second best team in...

Thatched-roofed footballer Wayne Rooney was yesterday given away by the second best team in Manchester to the second best team in Liverpool. He moves from Manchester United, a once formidable team, who managed to...
T20

Cricketers injured as dyslexic Anarchists riot at T20

Two Yorkshire cricketers and a number of spectators were injured last night as nearly 200 dyslexic anarchists rioted at the T20. Similar riots took place in Mumbai in India and Perth in Australia as the...
Wayne Rooney

Rooney Returns to Everton because ‘I missed my Nan’

Overweight, red faced, former England captain Wayne Rooney is to leave Manchester United to return to his first club Everton as part of a £90m deal that takes Everton striker Romelu Lukaku to Old...

Love Island Special – John Terry sacks Agent after he asked to join “that...

John Terry, the legendary back door man and occasional footballer, has sacked his Agent after finding himself trapped in a 1 year contract at Aston Villa. It is believed that Mr Terry, the immortal gant...

TV producer just can’t quite find the right Kraftwerk song for Tour De France...

Local TV producer and sound editor has expressed 'exasperation' in his struggle to find exactly the right song by seminal German synth pioneers to accompany cycling segment.  Quentin Otters-Flange of Rochdale based Hot Pot Productions...

Jose mourinho assures Spain ‘money was just resting in my account’

Jose Mourinho has sought to reassure the Spanish tax office that the £3m he is alleged to owe them in unpaid taxes has in fact been resting in his account all the time. Mourinho has...

Wayne Rooney to be donated to Beijing zoo footballer breeding program

Manchester United have announced that they are donating the footballer Wayne Rooney to Beijing zoo. The footballer who has been increasingly marginalised this season will be flown out to Beijing in August. It's thought this...

Everton confident of beating Liverpool after Blackpool supply ten loan players

The sporting pages were full colour blaze today with the news that Blue and Orange have done a deal to topple the Reds. Everton Chairman Trevor May today announced that new manager Ronald Koeman has...

Lib Dems thrilled at prospect of fielding a football team again

Tim Farron says he's over the moon at being able to field a full football team of MP's. Mr Farron told the Herald. "This is great. I knew I was doing well when I got recognised...

Nuttall to captain UK Olympic waterboarding team

UKIP party leader, former archbishop of Canterbury, Duke of Edinburgh in Waiting and Huddersfield Town striker, Paul Nuttall has been named as the captain of the UK's waterboarding team for the 2020...
Paul Nuttall

Huddersfield Town sign Paul Nuttall for a record fee

The journeyman striker was signed for an undisclosed amount, although it is "considerably more" than the previous record fee of forty Rothmans and a fish supper. Nuttall made his name playing in the Premier...

Huddersfield Town veterans prepared for step up in pace

Senior members of the Huddersfield Town squad today confirmed that they have no concerns about promotion. “I took some advice about staying fit for top flight as an older player from David Batty’s wife...
Andy Murray

Andy Murray’s Mum still won’t let him quit tennis club

The Rochdale Herald has discovered that Andy Murray's Mum still won't let him quit tennis club. "She promised me that if I won Wimbledon I wouldn't have to go anymore" said the moody British no.1...

Facebook war between cyclists and motorists over as Froome takes one for the team

The cyclist/motorist war is over after Chris Froome stepped up and took the knock that all motorists claim cyclists have deserved for the last 10 years. Three-time Tour de France winner Chris Froome says he...

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