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Rochdale, UK

Whatever gave you the impression I will deal with student debt asks man who...

A man who distinctly said that he’d “deal with” student debt during an interview with the NME is curious to know why everybody was under the impression that he planned to deal with student...
Corbyn

Corbyn treated for dizziness after performing student debt pirouette on Andrew Marr Show

Jeremy Corbyn is reported to be recovering this afternoon after suffering a severe bout of dizziness following the performance of a pirouette on student debt on the Andrew Marr show. The move, designed to distract...
Theresa May

Theresa May rehearsing upcoming Brexit u-turn while on hill walking holiday

"It will be my most challenging about face yet." The Prime Minister is reported to have informed her cabinet as they prepared to disband for the summer holidays. "I will need the support of each...
Fur

Foxes Just ‘Scarves With Legs’ Says Tory Think-Tank

During the snap election called by Theresa May one controversial proposal to emerge from the Tory manifesto was the abolishment of the fox-hunting ban. Protestors almost wore their fingers to the bone in opposition...
Refugees Welcome

Fury as UK migration laws mean that London will be SWAMPED with Brummies by...

Birmingham is a modern, cosmopolitan city whose motto, Forward, sums it up perfectly. The smug, self-serving shithole that is London is the reverse. With its man-bunned hipsters vaping vapidly and gladly paying £10 for...
Dunkirk

EU promises Dunkirk style flotilla to rescue nationals from UK “BREXKRIEG”

The European Commission has confirmed that it has prepared plans to launch a Dunkirk style flotilla to rescue EU nationals in the event that the entire fabric of UK society collapses after Brexit, a...

Conservatives horrified at ‘meagre’ income of BBC presenters

On Wednesday in was revealed to the public how much some of our favourite BBC Presenters earn, as well as some rubbish ones too. The figures have astonished many and dredged up the glaring gender...
Theresa May (licence)

Brexit means famine, disease and war confirms Theresa May

A rowdy press conference found our embattled Prime Monster under pressure once again. Finally revealing the true meaning of Brexit as famine, disease and war, questions were immediately begged. "That's only three horsemen! What about the...
Teenager

Teenager born in 2000 looks forward to enjoying retiring in 2120

Today the government announced that plans to change to the state pension retirement age to 68 will take effect in 2037, 7 years earlier than initially planned. The changes were due to take effect for...
Lord of the Flies

Cabinet Office descends into ‘Lord of the Flies’ chaos

Police were called to the Cabinet Office in the early hours as MPs turned on each other over Brexit, it has emerged. A senior source told us that around 1am the doors to the office...

HS2 in doubt after MPs voice concern about providing an army of white walkers...

Lord Chris Greyling, Secretary of State for Transport, revealed this afternoon that the government is considering changing its mind over HS2 out of health and safety concerns. The major concern stems from the worry that...
Putin Trump

Trump and Putin secret G20 meeting beyond ‘Netflix and Chill’

Reports ejaculating out of Hamburg indicate that the secret meeting between President Trump and Vladimir Putin transcended sharing a duvet and gorging on Hagen-Daaz. The White House has U-turned on its decision to disclose information...
Cat

Dead mice brought in by cats to be declared part of household income in...

Cat-owners are now being asked to count any rodents or birds left on their doorstep as declarable earnings in their application for means-tested benefits, according to government sources. The latest guidelines issued to employees of...
We're all going to die

We’re all going to die after Brexit, confirms Philip Hammond

Remain voters around the country are said to be absolutely furious to learn that every single person who voted to remain in the European Union will die after the Brexit negotiations are concluded. They are...

Brexit is actually really hard confirm millionaires who stand to inherit everything but brains

The Rochdale Herald has been briefed by a group of hardcore Brexit Conservative MPs who have confirmed that Brexit is actually really hard, even though they stand to inherit everything but brains. This is in...

Substitute teacher to stand in for Theresa May in hope of improving cabinet discipline

Wilma Beard, a graduate teacher on the books of an education supply agency, has been contracted to fill in for Theresa May in the hope of improving cabinet discipline. Ms Beard put the following post...

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