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Sad Man

Record complaints at Ofcom as latest episode of ‘Tits and Swords’ contains no tits

Switchboards at UK TV regulators Ofcom were jammed last night after the eagerly anticipated first episode of the new series of Game of Thrones contained absolutely no tits whatsoever. Whilst Ofcom had already increased the...
Jeremy Hunt

New Doctor Who already hates Jeremy Hunt

The new Doctor hasn't even reanimated yet and already she has fallen out with Jeremy Hunt. The Doctor told the Herald, "Jeremy asked to see me. He already wants to renegotiate my contract. He told...
Tardis

Parallel dimension parking ‘trickier than it looks’ says new Doctor Who

In a shocking confirmation of what arseholes up and down the country have been saying for hours, the new Doctor has fucked it already by mucking up a perfectly simple reverse park into two...
Michael Gove Game of Thrones

Lannisters appoint Michael Gove as Minister for Backstabbing

Rumours swirling about Westminster Green today suggest Michael Gove has been successfully headhunted by a recruitment specialist operating out of Westeros. It's believed Mr Gove has been recruited to work for the well known Lannister...
Game of Thrones

Cabinet to watch Game of Thrones to pick up tips on killing each other

Theresa May has reportedly ordered her cabinet, and junior ministers, to watch Game of Thrones in order to get better at killing one another. This is apparently in the hope that the infighting in the...
Peter Capaldi

Flying a Tardis is so easy even a woman can do it, Peter Capaldi...

“Putting a woman in the Tardis is like putting a woman in Number Ten. And we all know how well that went!” Capaldi said, as he addressed an emergency cabinet meeting. “I love Number...
Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones is more Narnia With Knockers than Tolkien With Tits says Andrew...

Comedy cultural commentator and serial gag-pincher Andrew Neil has disagreed with the Herald's analysis of Game of Thrones. "Lord of the Rings is densely written, heroic and dry as a nun's knickers," he is quoted...
Doctor Who

Calls for end to austerity as BBC reveal they can only afford female to...

Cost cutting at state broadcaster curtails roles for male actors. The BBC has responded to continuing pressure from central government to reduce costs by reducing production budgets. This ongoing pressure is nowhere more visible than on...
George Osborne

George Osborne confirmed as 13th Doctor Who

Versatile former Chancellor to play austere Time Lord. George Osborne, the former Chancellor turned newspaper editor and investment management firm lobbyist, has been announced today as the 13th Doctor. BBC sources were quick to position the...
Castle in woods

Icons of children’s entertainment to take refuge for the rest of 2017

Children’s authors, presenters and actors are seeking hiding places for the rest of 2017, the Rochdale Herald has learned. This year has seen, in very quick succession, the loss of many stars of children’s entertainment...

World’s oldest Andrew Neil joke discovered in cave in France

Excavations at caves in Lascaux uncover the oldest as yet discovered Andrew Neil joke believed to date back almost 20,000 years. An excited team of archaeologists have announced today that a new chamber has recently...
George RR Martin

George RR Martin ‘very excited’ to find out what happens in next season of...

The award winning author and Terry Pratchet impersonator George RR Martin has revealed to The Rochdale Herald that he is very excited to find out what happens in the next season of Game of...
Game of Thrones

Tolkein With Tits set to dominate office conversations as Game of Thrones returns

As the umpteenth series of the godawful fantasy franchise "Game of Thrones" is due to air on Murdoch-vision this week, those with more refined taste are bracing themselves for months of impenetrable chatter. "What did...
Middle Aged Man

Man ‘still hip’ because he likes new bands like Radiohead

Derek Brasshouse, 54, an accountant in Rochdale Borough Council's swimming pool department, considers himself to be still 'with it' because he enjoys new bands like Radiohead and the Foo Fighters. He told the Herald...

Marvel say Super-Gonorrhoea ‘unlikely’ to feature in new Avengers movie

Marvel Studios have confirmed that there are currently no plans for the gonorrhoea 'superbug' to star in its next instalment of the Avengers franchise. Referred to as 'Super-Gonorrhoea' in the press, the untreatable STI has become...

Gove cast as Tick-Tock in Rupert Murdoch’s adaption of ‘Peter Pan’

An all star cast is to appear in seasoned stage director Rupert Murdoch's new adaptation of the J. M. Barrie classic 'Peter Pan'. Michael Gove has been cast as Tick-Tock, Theresa May as Captain Hook...

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