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Police

Amber Rudd confirms extra police will be provided from Magic Bobby Tree

The Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, said “The Met have deployed extra police to reassure communities especially those observing Ramadan." This is the fourth time in a very short period of time where the Met...

I tell you something Abu Zebba Fucking Dee, I ought to take you outside...

Like some American tourist wandering into the wrong pub, terrorists made the mistake of not realising London Bridge was adjacent to Bermondsey. Note for US residents following this on twitter: we mean both London...

Deranged cycle path murders his spell checker

Rochdale police have announced they have comprehended and changed a man in his fortes for the brittle killing of his spell checker. In a statesman, a pokes person for the forceps told us there saying they...
Cat's Eyes

Traffic chaos as ALF steal M62 cat’s eyes

The M62 was plunged into chaos last night following the removal of nearly 500 cat's eyes from the motorway at Junction 20 by the Animal Liberation Front (ALF). Shortly before nightfall at least eight hooded...
Terroist

British Patriots demand Register of Terrorists

Paul Golding has picked up the baton from Nick Griffin today in calling for a Register of Potential Terrorists. The call comes in the wake of recent atrocities. Most recently the murder of two white...

Three in critical condition after tragic scone miss-pronunciation attack

Police have closed access to Battenburg street in Middleton today as the investigation into an altercation at the Middleton tea rooms has left three people in critical condition. Police report they have one woman in...

Julian Assange’s camper van racks up £19,700 in parking fines

The Rochdale Herald can reveal that Julian Assange's camper van has run up £19,700 in parking ticket charges. The van was left on Cadogan Place a few streets away from the Ecuadorian Embassy. Mr Assange who was...
Angry White Man Daily Mail

Government hires Daily Mail readers to beef up security strategy

Downing Street has announced plans to employ Daily Mail readers as a team of specialist civilian advisers as it steps up efforts to improve security across the UK. In the wake of attacks across...

Brian Cox to face Hague war crimes tribunal for 1997 hit Things Can Only...

Brian Cox is due to face a hearing at The Hague this week to face the charge that he is responsible for the deaths of more than one million Iraqis.

Party with nothing to hide announce plan to close Serious Fraud Office

Conservative plans to abolish the Serious Fraud Office has absolutely nothing to do with the investigations into rich Conservative supporters,said a spokesgrunt for the party today. Current investigations into the alleged attempts to rig Libor...

Ched Evans Discusses Staying Safe In Public Spaces

"Gun and knife crime are serious risks." Ched opens the first in a serious of new public safety videos developed by "Don't Know Thyself Productions." Standing in front of a bathroom mirror, towel tastefully tied at...

Judge insists stabbing people is fine provided you’re rich and pretty

A Judge set a legal precedent today after ruling that stabbing someone is fine provided you are blonde, twenty four, have a posh name, great career prospects, went to an expensive school and are really...
Chainsaw Surgeon

Rochdale man caught speeding forced to sell kidney to pay fine

Plumber, John Thomason of Norden was caught doing 42 on Edenfield Road, which has a limit of 40 on that stretch. He has been fined £1200 under the new driving penalties rules. "My transit van is 20...
video

God bothering Stephen Fry to be stoned to death for blasphemy, the pure gobshite

Stephen Fry has been summoned to appear in the Irish Courts to face the charge of breaching the Irish Defamation Act. It comes after the Garda completed their investigation into alleged blasphemy during a 2015...

Obviously McCanns done it, case closed by bloke down the pub

After ten years everybody and their dog is still absolutely convinced that they know exactly what happened in the Maddie McCann tragedy in Portugal. “It’s obvious innit?” said Terry McPeeder from Kent, “all the evidence...
British Transport Police

Jury rules justified homicide after man murdered for drinking mug of tea without removing...

A jury has ruled justifiable homicide in the case of a man who was beaten to death on a train near Rochdale after several passengers watched him drink a whole mug of tea without...

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