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Prince Philip to reprise role in new Star Wars film

His Royal Highness to play part of Grand Moff Tarkin again in latest outing of sci-fi saga. Warning: contains spoilers Shooting began today for the latest instalment of the long running science fiction saga that has...
Paul Dacre

Is Daily Mail Editor Paul Dacre the most flaccid cockgoblin in the UK?

Unsubstantiated sources allege Dacre is comfortably the vilest hate-peddling shitweasel in the UK. Feel free to tell us if you disagree with these allegations. But we ask, who are we to question the conclusions? Consider...

Right wing extremist appears on Good Morning Britain to interview Tommy Robinson

Good Morning Britain producers made the controversial choice today of asking a divisive, opinionated, loud mouth to appear on their show. Piers Morgan was reportedly shocked by the request, as that's already his job. However,...
James blunt

James Blunt demands Knighthood after Ed Sheeran receives MBE

The news of Ed Sheeran’s accolade in the latest honours list has been greeted by mixed reactions. His fans have welcomed the news, but their grandparents have asked, “Who’s he then and what does he do?” See...
Ed Sheeran

Ed Sheeran receives MBE for services to blandness

Ed Sheeran was clearly chuffed to receive his MBE for services to blandness, remarking, "I really don't know what to say, but it's a great honour." Sheeran has had a string of hits, although even his...
God

Jesus delays sermon on the mount after discussions with Pontius Pilate

A spokesman for Jesus has informed the Herald this evening that Mr Christ has had to delay the much anticipated sermon on the mount after an over run in talks with Pontius Pilate. The longer...

Skeletor still ‘pretty buff’ for a skeleton

Men's Health Magazine today announced its annual Top Ten Fittest Male Celebs list with actor, recently elected DUP MP and self proclaimed evil overlord Skeletor peaking the chart in the coveted #1 position.   Bodybuilder Skeletor grew...

Big Bruva

Millions are in shock today after discovering that Big Brother is still a thing, whilst their fans are horrified that the utter numpties they are watching have been on other shows full of numpties. "I...

Trump receives three day Twitter ban for criticising Khan

President Trump had been slapped silent with a three day ban from Twitter. The reprimand is a result of Trump attempting to make political capital out of the terrorist atrocity in London Saturday last. He has...

Corbyn to star in Snatch sequel as Brad Pitt not mad enough

Amateur street fighter and leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy 'The Knitter' Corbyn, has been cast as Mickey O'Neil in the sequel to Guy Ritchie's smash hit "Snatch". The sequel will be called "Snatch...

Frankie Boyle Taken Into Custody Because Of Donald Trump

Scottish social commentator and insult auteur Frankie Boyle has been taken into custody under legislation usually reserved for times of war. The government has taken this extraordinary measure in order to force production of expletives as reserves...
John Noakes

John Noakes to be buried in coffin he made earlier

The late John Noakes, it has been revealed, made his own coffin in preparation for his death. Exactly when he did this is not known, it’s only known that he made it earlier. It’s well...
Roger Moore

Pope to make Roger Moore a saint…

In a surprise move, the Pope has announced plans to beatify Roger Moore, the popular actor who has very sadly passed away today. The Pope was a keen fan of the 1960s TV show and had...
pippa

Pippa’s lovely bottom gets married

Pippa Middleton's lovely bottom has today got married. The bottom shot to fame in 2011 when it turned up at Prince William's wedding and stole the show. As ever with high profile weddings the outfits have led...
pippa

Pippa Middleton topless photos break internet

Still recovering from the profound damage caused by that picture of Kim Kardashian's arse a while back, the Interweb was dealt yet another bitter blow last night; local internet subscribers were left floundering in...
Noel Edmonds

Man who says negativity causes cancer sues HBOS for fraud

A quiz show presenter who asked a cancer patient if it was possible his ill health is caused by your negative attitude has announced he is suing HBOS for fraud. The presenter who made the comments also...

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