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Sebastian Wiesel

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Old Graduate

University of Life under Ofsted investigation after turning out complete fucking idiots

Chief Ofsted inspector Mark Teachers announced today he would be launching a special investigation into the University of Life, based in Thanet. A lower-level investigation...
Man Washing Machine

Southern Rail whistleblower reveals driving a train ‘piece of piss’ compared to programming washer-dryer.

Following the furore over Philip Hammond's comments over female train drivers, The Rochdale Herald has been contacted by an employee of Southern Rail who...
Philip Hammond

Fresh sexism row after Hammond overheard telling Theresa May not to ‘worry her pretty...

Philip Hammond was today facing another storm over his casual sexism as it was revealed that his response to the Prime Minister's concerns over...

‘My dour Scots personality is actually a total fanny magnet’ claims Andy Murray

Racquetball superstar Andy Murray today spoke of how his charisma-free personality brings all the girls to his yard. Murray, whose public speaking manner is so...

Lukaku leaves second best club in Liverpool for second best club in Manchester

Lukaku is thought to be worth approximately 50m but has signed for United with an additional premium unofficially known as the 'United surcharge'. Lukaku's...
Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney moves from second best team in Manchester to second best team in...

Thatched-roofed footballer Wayne Rooney was yesterday given away by the second best team in Manchester to the second best team in Liverpool. He moves...
Tree lined street

Sheffield City Council issues injunction against Councillor for doing councillory things.

In the increasing farrago that surrounds Sheffield City Council's efforts to denude the streets of lush, green, oxygen-providing, shade-giving trees - in the quest...

Radiohead Gig Attracts Record Number Of Twats

Research has shown that the Old Trafford gig on July 4th by Radiohead attracted more wankers than any previous gig. It is estimated that,...

Yorkshire Tree Felling Firm Employing Bouncers To Manage Protesters

It has been confirmed by the company tasked with removing as many street trees from the streets of Sheffield as possible that bouncers have...
Court

Ginsters Sue Ginsters over Ginsters Name

It has emerged that pastry-based, snack purveyors Ginsters have taken to the courts. They aim to prevent a social movement off-shoot from adopting their...

People Telling Me I Shouldn’t Have Told Schoolgirl To F*ck Off Can F*ck Off...

The Conservative MP for Wells, James 'Compost' Heappey got all sweary when visiting the massively overpriced Millfield Academy for Young Toffs and Toffettes.  A Scottish...
Big Shop

British economy under pressure as threat of Nuclear Armageddon puts weekly ‘Big Shop’ In...

Rochdale housewife Vicky Lucas has revealed the dichotomy she faces over her usual Saturday trip to Asda. "Normally I'd go and do my 'big shop'...
Flat earth map

Sheffield Council Declare Majority Of Citizens Think The World Is Flat.

Sheffield Council has been forced to declare their belief in a flat earth after applying the same statistical analysis to a recent on-line poll...

Trump’s Alt-Assassination. The Facts.

Reports that Donald Trump had been assassinated by a mentally disturbed right-wing white Southerner were denied by the White House yesterday. The world press was...

Telegraph journalist executes her integrity with call to murder politician

Sane people all over the country were horrified, but largely unsurprised, that right-wing publication the Daily Telegraph had called for a political leader...

Police Commissioner Confirms Police To Desist From Arresting People Doing Nothing Wrong

South Yorkshire Police Commissioner Adam Spillings went on record today as saying his force would no longer be arresting tree campaigners for doing nothing...

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