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Tim Goodwin

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Paul Nuttall

Britain’s oldest man, Paul Nuttall, has died.

Sir Paul Nuttall, VC, OBE, Ph.D, passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday, hours before his 108th birthday. Sir Paul was the first man to...

Stoke returning officer opened wrong envelope: Nuttall real winner!

Stoke's election Returning Officer was forced to admit to an embarrassing mistake when he opened the wrong envelope and declared Labour had won. "I was...
Corbyn

Corbyn ‘sells out’ in Stoke

Leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn (27), has finally sold out in Stoke. “Every single copy of my Big Issues has gone…”, said Corbyn....

Nuttall lost close personal election in Stoke

Tragedy stricken leader of UKIP, Paul Nuttall (105), faced fresh disaster yesterday when he lost a close personal election in Stoke. "Everything was looking good,...

New cold war looms as Trump aspires to make American prostitutes better than Russian...

Concern that America is falling behind Russia in the pay-for-sex industry was allayed last night after President Donald J Trump announced a new ‘hooker...

Trump says IKEA table he ordered arrived ‘pre-blown up’

President Donald J Trump is convinced that ‘something bigly bad’ has gone down in Sweden, after a dining table he ordered from IKEA arrived...

Nuttall Lost Close Personal Friends When They Discovered He Was An Arsehole

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall lost 'close personal friends' when they discovered he was a bigoted, racist arsehole. “People started to shun me and sometimes even...

Prince Nuttall Awakens Britain’s Slumbering Populace With A Kiss

Joyful celebrations were heard throughout the Kingdom after it was confirmed that Prince Nuttall of UKIP had awakened Princess Populace with a kiss. Handsome Prince...

South African Scientist Discovers Free Non-Polluting Energy Source

Imagine the scenario: you are in a pub, when a local starts spouting racist nonsense. You have an overwhelming desire to stand up and...
Green

Inside the Dark Underbelly of Kensington: Salad Dealers

Our Herald undercover reporter uncovers the sinister side of the illegal Kensington salad trade. It’s 2 a.m. and I’m standing outside an all-night coffee shop...

Britain’s Children Rejoice as Broccoli Rationed

Playgrounds and schools all over the country were full of joyous celebration as Britain's children heard that Broccoli has been rationed. "Fabbolishus!", declared Ryan Whingeing...

Rochdale Herald Editor Re-admitted to Hospital

Herald editor, Quentin D. Fortesqueue has been re-admitted to Rochdale General Hospital for surgery to remove his tongue from his cheek. The jaded and cynical...

Mexico Offers to Purchase Channel Tunnel Following Brexit

A Mexican conglomerate has offered to purchase the Channel Tunnel when Britain formally leaves the European Union. Juan Tunnelsunda, CEO of Tunnels 2 US, a...
hand written notes

Trump apologises for misreading email.

President Donald J. Trump has apologised for misreading an email which has led to some bizarre policy announcements in the last few days. The President was...

Rochdale’s Indian Youth Bemoan Lack of “English” Takeaways

Rochdale's Indian youth have complained that there is a distinct lack of  late night 'English' takeaway food available in the town. "You know what it's...
Man with lizard face

Britain First Announces Pact With Lizard People

Britain First, the right-wing political party for twats of all ages, has announced a revolutionary partnership with The Lizard People, a secretive reptilian group of aliens...

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