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Felpersham Dogbolter

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Oh no. This is not good. Has anyone reported this? I can't be doing with all this ballache. Really, I can't.

The Canary fails to overthrow Tories with 5,638th consecutive screen grab of tweet

For the 5638th consecutive time, Kerry-Anne Mendoza has failed to overthrow the nearly-elected government of the UK.  Having scraped a sardonic tweet from a celebrity...

Theresa May fails fascist dictator litmus test after not getting trains to run on...

For the second time this week seasonally predictable temperatures have ground the railways to a virtual halt across the south and south-east of England....

Police fear French blogger killed in whipped cream accident may have topped herself

The international irony reservoir was overflowing this week as news came through that French lifestyle and fitness blogger, Becky Fromage-Burger, was slain in her...
Shrugging Man

No manifesto better than a bad manifesto say Conservatives

Confusion reigns following the Queen's Speech as the Tories deny all knowledge of a manifesto that may, or may not, have existed prior to...

Put lipstick on a pig and it’s still an attractive pig says David Cameron

Embarrassed confusion reigned over the little Cotswold village of Slapstick-cum-Quickly as local resident David Cameron joined a misheard conversation and totally got the wrong...

Terrorist response strategy in disarray after meeting room mix up

Today's COBRA meeting had to be abandoned after it was discovered that Cabinet Office Briefing Room A had already been booked by Trevor from...

Channel 4 on course to disappear up its own arse

Channel 4 have announced a new meta-programming initiative with which it hopes to exceed the success of the Gogglebox franchise. The new programming will...

Experts agree that Josh Widdicombe is not bigger than Jesus

Theologists now agree that diminutive Josh Widdicombe is not the Second Coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Speculation had run rife that, having been born...

Hopkins’ lobotomy was cosmetic surgery, doctors reveal

Rochdale Community University Hospital was proud to announce the complete success of their most prestigious piece of cosmetic neurosurgery today. Originally described as a procedure to address...

Corbyn says we’re going to build a wall and Sturgeon is keen to pay...

Communist rabble-rouser and socialist firebrand, Jeremy Corbyn, today announced the central plank of his party's manifesto pledge will be to build a wall between England...

Global economy near collapse after George Osborne pulls sickie

It has been revealed that once George Osborne takes up his post as Editor of the London Evening Standard, his importance to the global...

Phil Spencer really was a Secret Agent

In an ironic illustration of life imitating art it was revealed today that Channel 4 property porn star, Phil Spencer, really did operate as...
Putin

David Cameron becomes Hero of the Russian Federation

The Kremlin announced today that David Cameron is to be recognised as a Hero of the Russian Federation, the highest honour that can be...

Pope declares all good atheists can go to heaven

In a surprise ecumenical encyclical from the Vatican, Pope Francis has indicated that atheists could be allowed to pass through the Pearly Gates and...

George Osborne represents the new Standard Londoner

There was surprise throughout the media world today when it was announced that Gideon "George" Osborne, MP for Tatton, would join the London Evening...

Electoral Commission added to watchlist of subversive organisations

The Government announced today that, after a long and thorough review of the workings of the Electoral Commission, they have added it to the...

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