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Edward Cocozza

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I sit in my underpants and make things up.

Victory for disability campaigners as Broccoli family confirm next Bond will be paraplegic

The next James Bond will be played by a paraplegic actor, Eon Productions has announced. Auditions for Daniel Craig’s replacement will begin in the summer...

President Trump to ‘grab May by the pussy’

Donald Trump may touch the UK prime minister's vagina in their first private meeting, the president has tweeted. The straw-haired misogynist wrote, "Excited to meet...
Turkberry

Rochdale scientists breed Christmas ‘turkberry’

Top food scientists say they are ‘very close’ to successfully breeding a turkey with a cranberry bush. The new ‘turkberry’ hybrid bush-bird could be on...

Conspiracy theories a conspiracy, say conspiracy theorists?

Conspiracy theorists are a conspiracy conspired by conspiracy theorists bent on spreading conspiracies to those susceptible to conspiracy theories, conspiracy theorists have said. World-leading lizards, cancer cures...
kitten

Purrverted Cliff Richard raped my cat

A woman has come forward claiming Sir Cliff Richard raped her cat while staying at her family home in Heywood. The fresh accusations will come...
Fruit Salad

Fruit salad cancer risk

Fruit salads may cause cancer, top Latvian scientists have found. The study, published in Eat My Carcinoma, has sent shockwaves through fruit communities and undermines the...
E-Cigarette

E-Cigarettes create ‘Super Organ’

E-Cigarettes cause your internal organs to fuse together creating one large ‘super organ’ that later bursts, scientists have found. The two-year study, which followed heavy users of the...
Jesus Christ

Jesus ‘probably had eczema’

Jesus of Nazareth may have had eczema, dermatologists have found. New evidence that The Lord suffered from the common skin complaint emerged following fresh analysis of The Shroud...

The Shard ‘nearly finished’

The Shard in London is nearing completion, according to developers. Once finished, it will stand at 310m and will be the tallest building in the United Kingdom...
Eiffel Tower

Vodafone Win Bid to Buy Eiffel Tower

Vodafone has won a bid to convert the iconic Eiffel Tower into a transmission mast, it has emerged. The telecommunications giant secured the deal for an undisclosed...
Vegetables

Vegetables ‘have feelings too’ top scientists discover

Happy raspberries, disappointed carrots and furious parsnips may not be the stuff of fairy tales, top food scientists have shown. Researchers were observing the effect of...
Rioters

Riots as Car Boot Sales End

Riots have broken out across England as towns and villages end car boot sales for the winter. Police have reported disturbances across the country as scores of...

Police call time on sex pests

Paedophile sex pests across England and Wales are to be fitted with bells, in a new scheme announced by the police today. The new devices will...

Dead refugees welcome say Home Office

Refugees will be welcome to Great Britain providing they are dead, under a new scheme announced by the Home Office. The new measures, expected to...
Women research team at Rochdale's Community University

Women ‘Not Silly’ groundbreaking study reveals

Women may not be as silly as we first thought, a new study suggests. Researchers at the Rochdale's Community University observed one hundred female humans...

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