She achieved infamy as the dark doyenne of Faceparty, where she answered the best of the 2000 emails she received for her weekly column. She has appeared on stage, screen and straight-to-video and she doubts she will ever be let into the studios of Radio One again, after stuffing her cleavage with miniatures of gin and proceeding to drink them live on air during a live interview where she said, ‘Yes but does he have a big cock?’ Before the watershed.

If you want to send Grim Rita a question, you can either ask to remain anonymous, or we can print your name, so you can amaze your friends with your nanosecond of fame.

Ask her anything, and we mean anything and send it to [email protected]

Dear Rita
I have recently been considering plastic surgery on my labia, the thing is I’m not sure how to go about it, do you have any advice?


Unless your vaginal venetians are so long you can tie them in a bow, don’t bother. It’s expensive and totally unnecessary – rather like the Royal Family.

Dear Rita
What d’ya think of micro scooters? See, I reckon they’re a chick magnet. My friends disagree. Thoughts?


Being perched on a vibrating butt plug with your knees round your ears, makes you look like a drug dealing praying mantis trying to hold a shit in. As sexy as a skidmark on your teeth.

Dear Rita
I’m very short, 4’ 3” to be exact. Obviously this does me no favours with the ladies. Do you know any way I could get girls to see past my height and not as a person they could practically hold in the palm of their hand?

Antony Nixon

Put your pick down and sing ‘Hi Ho’ all the way to – alternatively you could go to a fetish club, they are full of ladies who wouldn’t mind using you as a sex toy.

Dear Rita
I’m having problems trying to shave the hair in between my scrote and my arsehole – any tips?
Craig G

Squat over a mirror like you’re going to crimp one off and lift your pelican gullet out of the way. Use plenty of soap and a razor with a lubristrip to reveal a chode that looks like a chicken fillet.

Dear Rita
My boyfriend and I want to have a threesome with a mate of his. However, I’m scared of double anal and double pussy. Do they hurt?

Slowly lower yourself onto a bollard and stick your boyfriend’s head up your arse. Does it hurt?

Dear Rita
What ringtone do you have on your mobile?
Bazza G

The muffled screams of the last TV license man who knocked on my door.

Dear Rita
Last night I had sex with a watermelon. Does that count as one of your five a day?
Charlie Stuart

Unless you mixed the watermelon with your one teaspoon of prostate glue and drank it afterwards, then no.

Dear Rita
I’m at the midlife crisis stage but too skint to buy a Ferrari. Any budget options you can think of?


Nothing says midlife crisis more than pouring your gut into shiny tights, donning a pair of yellow shades so you look like a Colorado Beetle with liver failure and cycling like you’re going into fucking battle. Time to join the queue of cunts at Evans.

Dear Rita
What is cottaging?

Anita Greaves

It’s the art of getting your love length sucked by straight blokes in toilets around the country.

Dear Rita
I have quite large breasts and I’m sick of guys only noticing them and not me. How can I get guys to see me and not my chest?


Invest in a sports bra. Guaranteed to gather your tits into a flat mono-lump that looks like a blobfish in heavy Japanese bondage.

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