In a move designed to drag them kicking and screaming into the new era, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are to be retired and replaced with personifications more fitting the mood of global politics today; Fire, Fury, Sad! and Fake.

“It was all getting a bit out of touch, you know? I mean Famine? The average American barely even registers what hunger is, let alone that you can die from it. War? Pffft! We’ve been at war with SOMEONE since the big WWII, so that doesn’t carry much weight. Pestilence? Private health care, my friend!

Death? Yeah, got you but it’s all a bit artisan, isn’t it? One person at a time is fine for kings and nobles, but we need a bulk-mover to get the job done nowadays! So – the new guys – Fire, like a radioactive style, Fury, because nothing screeches “impotent rage” like a fat dude with his veins about to rupture. Sad! because the best way to respond to people yelling truth at you is to assume a fake air of superiority in the face of evidence. And Fake for pretty much the same reason – there’s no point in winning if you can’t destroy a reputation or two along the way, is there?”

Speaking from an extortionately expensive private resort in the Maldives, the previous four horsemen appeared in good spirits.

“We’ve been looking to downsize for some time, so imagine our delight when we got a call from Mike Pence asking if we’d like a brief holiday…” said Famine “By the time we get back, he reckons there’ll be a lot less paperwork, due to there being a lot less people… Still, it’s a funny old game, you see cycles like this when you work here long enough – remember the late 80’s lads?”

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