The red hot poker seized in connection with the mysterious death of the deposed King Edward II has denied involvement in his murder.

The accused length of iron was found lurking in the fireplace of the chamber at Berkeley Castle, Gloucester, wherein the much loved and wise ruler of England, and occasionally other places, met his untimely end while having a holiday at the insistence of his close friends.

Edward’s distraught widow, Isabella of France, and his best friend, Roger Mortimer, have declared in a joint statement that they will get to the bottom of Edward’s death and if foul play is discovered then justice will be hot, bloody, painful and probably involve a lot of quartering so swift the accused won’t have time to speak.

Reports that their best friends, Gurney, Maltravers and Ockley had been seen buggering off at ungainly speed before the discovery of Edward’s death, have been dismissed as unconnected. Apparently they were just hastening to the shops for something Edward wanted.

Isabella and Rog have further requested privacy in their grief and said any noises that sound like hilarity and furious, victorious rutting are actually the sounds of grief.

“You remember just how noisy they were when news of the death of poor Gaveston arrived?” A representative of Isabella said. “Well, they’re even more upset to hear of dear Edward’s sudden death, even if it is almost certainly by natural causes.”

There is a lot of concern that Isabella’s son, Edward (now the third), is too young to have such a weight of responsibility thrust upon his shoulders. But Isabella and Rog have offered reassurances that “with a heavy heart, but a commitment to wisdom and frugal management of finances, we promise to rule until Edward is old enough. If he lives that long.”

A friend of the poker gave the following statement,

“Terry [the poker] is a god fearing and wholly ferrous subject of whomever is on the throne. He would not harm anyone. He most certainly would not have lain about in a fire until blazing hot and shoved himself up the backside of a king! I reckon it was a very heavy door that did it. It probably threw itself on top of our poor dead king and smothered him. We should burn the door if you ask me.”

Edward III has declined to comment on his father’s death directly, but has asked if anyone knows of a way to change his name so he doesn’t get lost to history with all the other bloody Edwards?

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