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Britons still enjoy holidays abroad as long as they don’t meet foreigners

Britons have not fallen out of love with foreign holidays, according to a survey by Rochdale Community College’s Leisure and Recreation Department.

The survey found that the most popular summer destinations are still Spain, the Canaries, Majorca and the Greek islands. However, the poll also suggested that Brits prefer not to interact with locals if at all possible. The Rochdale Herald interviewed a number of returning holiday makers at Manchester Airport to find out why.

“I’m sure that they’re all nice people but they’re not like us, are they?” said Chas Pockett, 57, from Oldham. “I mean, they don’t speak English good, and they don’t try to adapt to our ways.” His wife, Mo, a professional nail polisher, added, “Them sausages taste funny, and the local supermarket in Lloret de Mar didn’t even have custard creams.”

Jase Pickle and his friend Doddy Wilkes, from Bolton, said, “We always go somewhere with lots of blokes like us ‘cos that’s where the best talent is. Johnny Dago is always effing miserable though – they don’t join in and you never seem ’em when you’re up for a rumble in the high street at four in the morning, and the Lola’s and Maria’s don’t put out like our lot.” Doddy added, “Mind you, the Swedes and the Kraut bints are always ready to get their jugs out on the beach, even if they’re a bit sniffy with us.”

Brian and Iris Newrich from Alderly Edge, in contrast, have nothing but praise for their destination. “It has everything,” said Iris. “Drinks by the pool, an all you can eat buffet lunch and a great show in the evening. Last week they had that singing dustman from X-Factor. We met lots of different people, some from London, even a nice couple from Wales, but no riff raff. I really love Majorca.” “I think it was Rhodes, love,” said Brian, “somewhere with culture stuff anyway.”

Did they try to speak the local language at all? “Not really, as we don’t know what they speak there. Is it Latin?”

That it is a class issue was dispelled when we spoke to brothers Josh and Buzzer Truss-Ffund from Hampstead. “Yah, we’re just back from Corfers, stayed at Hugo Bitcoyne’s dad’s place. Totally wrecked most of the time, but Tiggy and Tarara turned up with some top class totty, they were well up for it,” said Josh. “Popodopopopoulos, or whatever his name is, at the taverna got the right hump when we started smashing his plates, though,” added Buzzer, “and they say we Anglos don’t appreciate their culture. Maybe Tiggy flashing her baps at his granny was a bit OTT, in retrospect.”

“Where are we, anyway, Josh? Weren’t we supposed to fly back to Gatters?”

Baz Cordouroy: