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    Categories: National News

Racists are pussies

We’ve all seen the stories. Hate crime has risen exponentially since some of the country voted to leave the EU. We decided to talk to one intolerant arsehole to get the lowdown on why he does what he does.

Carl Bigotson, 28, lives in Rochdale. He told us “enough is enough. I’m completely sick of the muslamification of our great nation. I’d been masterbating vigorously to Britain First videos when I realised they’re right. It’s time to defend our country. So I downed my can of White Ace, and headed out to confront the first Muslim I could find.”

Bigotson is currently on bail, awaiting trial for pulling the hijab off a 19 year old Muslim girl, and punching her in the face. “Well, it wasn’t exactly the first Muslim I found. I walked past about twenty young, fit men. They were bigger than me and would’ve smashed my head in. I’m not risking life and limb defending us from the likes of them. It’s far too dangerous. Then I saw her. I could see she was young, and a female, with no hope of fighting back. I’m actually a massive pussy so attacking women, children or the elderly is really my only option. But hey, I showed her. She’ll think long and hard about being a Muslim now.”

We asked around and it turns out that racists being massive pussies is actually a nationwide problem. Attacks on Muslim women have risen massively in the last few years.
It’s not only vulnerable Muslims who are at risk. There’s been an increase in attacks on mosques as well. We also spoke to one hard bastard, who wished to remain anonymous, who likes to sneak up to mosques in the middle of the night and leave bacon on the door handles.

He said “we know pork is kryptonite to Muslims. They can’t even look at it without melting like that witch on the Wizard of Oz. By putting it on the door handles, you can melt about five Muslims in one go. If I can put bacon on the handles of ten mosques, that’s over five thousand melted Muslims. Some people may say I’m a wimp because I do this in the dead of night, but I’m not. Doing it this way ensures the police don’t catch me, which means I can plaster bacon over more mosques. The snowflakes will say it’s because I’m scared I’ll get the shit kicked out of me, but that’s not true. I’m not a wimp. I’ve got three British bulldog tattoos”.

With the current climate as it is in the U.K., we can sadly only expect these attacks to continue. Just a quick glance at Britain First’s Facebook page will tell you there’s no shortage of pussies waiting to throw dog shit at some children. We at the Herald think these individuals should grow the fuck up and stop behaving like hoofwaking cumknuckles, or at the very least, grow some bollocks and ‘confront’ someone who can actually defend themselves.

Fay Kneuse: