Put your hands on the car and get ready to die.
Home Secretary Amber Rudd confirmed today that the Police and Criminal Evidence Act (PACE) 1984 has been updated to include a right to dispense summary justice, up to, and including execution. The new Citizens Use of New Tariff Sanctions Charter is highly popular with the Tory base.
“It is the will of the people,” said Rudd. “They voted to take back control, and this government is giving them just that. We brought it in whilst you were talking about that gender reassignment spoof we ran. It’s something our core support have been demanding for some years now. Whether it’s a dangerous driver, some youths hanging around the park, or even your next door neighbour’s children kicking their ball against your fence that you paid for with your hard earned money, you now have the right to iron them out.”
The first to test out the new powers was Fergus Beesley, the BBC wildlife producer and director, famed for his work with David Attenborough. Whilst driving home from a difficult meeting responding to a series of historic complaints from female otters demanding equal pay with Attenbourgh, he witnessed a road traffic incident.
“I judged it to be a Level 2 offence on the New Tariff Sanctions and administered verbal admonishment calling the family “wankers” and “sluts” in accordance with the guidance.”
“But they resisted sanction, and accordingly I restrained Mr Gale and advised him he was under Citizen’s arrest and he could either put his hands on the car and get ready to die, or get back in his car and fuck off.”
Rudd confirmed this was an appropriate use of the powers, and commended Mr Beeley for his swift intervention.
Beeley is currently making a documentary about lemonade stall regulation.
