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London not centre of Universe say astronomers

In a shock announcement today, astronomers have come out and stated categorically that London is not the centre of the universe.

The BBC’s face of astronomy, Professor Brian Cox, made the announcement to the assembled media. “For starters,” he said. “London isn’t even the centre of the world – that’s the earth’s core, that’s about 4000 miles underground – wherever you are on the planet, London Paris, New York, Moscow, the centre of the planet is about 4000 miles underground, and unreachable with current technologies.”

He went on to confirm the earth’s position within larger units. “The Earth isn’t even the centre of the solar system, that’s the sun. And we’re nowhere near the centre of the galaxy, that’s about 100,000 light years from one end to the other, and we’re about 20,000 light years from the rim, so we’re closer to the rim than we are the centre. And then this galaxy has been flung out millions of light years from the point of origin. So how can London be the physical centre of anything?”

The reactions to this announcement have so far been distinctly polarised, and the dividing line is exactly as you’d expect. Every Londoner hearing this news has reacted violently, shouting that it can’t be true. While the rest of the population have been smirking, laughing, and indeed rolling their eyes at the reactions of Londoners.

I only hope this doesn’t lead to a second Civil War.

Warren Peace: