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    Categories: Economy

Government launch ‘Kids for Britain’ scheme to encourage teenage pregnancy to replace migrant workers lost due to Brexit

The Home Office is to launch an eye popping new initiative designed to compensate for the expected loss of Eastern European field workers as a result of Brexit.

The scheme titled “Kids for Britain” will be trialled in Rochdale initially to capitalise on the already high rates of teenage pregnancies in one of the north of England’s industrial powerhouses.

Speaking for the Home Office, Ms Horni Reedie, released the following statement,

“It’s not our fault that certain populations in the EU have taken the wrong message from Brexit. Our elected prime minister Theresa May has done her best to reassure with many warm sentiments.

But that said, the overwhelming mandate delivered on the 23rd June last year to kick out benefit scamming Europeans is easily misinterpreted by people who do not speak English very well.”

The baby boom to come will be necessary to ensure there are plenty of low skilled British born workers to toil under the direction of robot field bosses on the soft fruit farms in ten to fifteen years time.

“We will shortly be making contraception unavailable to anyone under twenty years of age and lowering the drinking age to the legal age of consent. Special cash incentives will be paid to teenagers who manage to father twins or triplets.”

The details have raised the spectre of sexism however.

Young men who are found to have magic sperm that results in multiple births will also be given their choice of script tattoos on the govemment to have the names of their children tattooed on their necks to encourage their peers.

“We know the country is going to get royally screwed by Brexit.” Ms Horni added. “The future for younger generations is now very uncertain, but at least they can now get drunk, shag and forget about it with the entire country’s support. We haven’t worked out yet who will raise the children, but that is a minor detail.”

It’s thought the scheme will also help keep at bay the threats of a breakdown of the UK by way of providing rail passes so teenagers from England can travel north to Scotland and do some shagging up there in a spirit of coming together as a union.

Wrandle River: