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UK insists EU to have custody of Farage at weekends in Brexit divorce settlement

As part of the Brexit divorce settlement the EU has agreed to have Nigel Farage at weekends.

In exchange for the financial settlement, believed to be several tens of billions of Euros, Mr Farage, the former or current leader whatever of UKIP, will travel to Brussels each Friday evening and will be met by the President of the European Commission, Jean-Claude Juncker. He will then return on the 19.37 Eurostar on Sunday evenings. It is not known whether Theresa May will be there to greet him.

Mr Juncker said, “We refused to back down on the financial settlement and nothing the UK said persuaded us to veer from our position. Eventually, Mr Davis suggested that a deal may be on the table if we agreed to have custody of Nigel for part of the week. Actually, he proposed that Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg be included but we had to draw the line somewhere. Johnson is just rude to everyone and Rees-Mogg would have to come with his nanny.”

Asked what the arrangements would be for Nigel’s visits, Mr Juncker said, “I’ll be honest, it won’t be easy. We’ll have to buy a high chair and some kind of cot and then there is his special dietary requirements – pork pies, pickled eggs and of course his favourite drink, Nuttall’s Very Old Peculiar. Last time he was here, Mrs Merkel took him to Aldi but he just lay down and screamed his head off in the Bratwurst aisle.”

Theresa May was asked for her view on the deal. “Well, I won’t lie to you – will you please stop giggling at the back – but I didn’t shed a tear when Mr Juncker agreed. Much of what Nigel says I agree with, but he’s such a pain in the arse and it will give us all a break at the weekend.”

Although the press was not allowed to speak to Nigel, it was rumored that when he heard the news, he had a tantrum and tearfully wailed, “Wanna go to Merica n’ see Uncle Donald, ‘snot fair!”

Baz Cordouroy: