Categories: Trump

American lawmakers to submerge Donald Trump in barrel of water to see if he floats

It was announced today via The USA news site that Donald Trump will be immersed in a barrel of water to see if he floats.

The operation is part of what are called ‘Presidential Witch Tests’ and will be undertaken to determine if Donald Trump’s claims of a White House witch hunt hold any water.

It is a service that is performed on every sitting President since the times of the Salem Witch Trials, when the first President of America was tested in this way, and should actually have occurred before Donald Trump’s inauguration.

President Trump was reported to be having a meeting with a witch doctor in order to purchase a human skull on the day initially scheduled and was allowed to take the test at a later date.

President Obama passed the test easily by sinking steadily after he had exhaled all the air in his lungs.

President W. Bush splashed about for a while and then sunk to the bottom of the barrel dragging most of the country and half the world with him.

President Clinton fudged it by hanging onto a young woman in a bikini, but then he played the saxophone and everyone forgot about it.

As to what to expect from Donald Trump’s flotation test? It’s anyone’s guess.

A history littered with front facing humanitarian and charity work, like Trump’s, suggests that he should pass the test with flying colours.

A team of evangelicals will be on hand to douse him in holy water and scream the name of the saviour at him for several hours should he fail, before accepting large cash donations to allow him to continue in office.

Although Trump is so keen to erode freedom of choice legislation that keen observers are worried some of the preachers who will be on hand may swap the holy water for tap.

To this end a special flagon of holy water is to be flown directly from the Vatican hours before testing to make sure any emergency measures are performed correctly.

Trump himself is apparently confident of passing with flying colours having already arranged the purchase of indulgences from Pope Francis on his recent visit to the Holy See.

It’s advised people wishing to witness the test don’t, as POTUS will be required to don an antique pair of 19th century stars and stripes hemp budgie smugglers, and they are said to be worn to hell and back in the area that covers the crack.

Wrandle River: