With the kind of speed, thoroughness and ability to keep his finger on Britain’s zeitgeist that has come to be expected from him, the Chilcott report into Ross and Rachel’s ‘Break’ has finally been published.

And its bad news for Rachel as former England Prop Chilcott has confirmed that they indeed WERE on a break.

‘They WERE on a break’ said the chubby Bath RUFC personality. ‘And besides, she asked for it so she can’t complain if he got a bit of coochy-coo on the side, now can she?’

Rachel’s solicitor Sue Grabbit-Runne said ‘The truth however is that both Ross and Rachel made a number of mistakes that resulted in their break-up after his drunken affair with Chloe, but both are seemingly unwilling to, even to themselves, admit their respective errors out of stubbornness stemming from anger at each other.’

Ross said “In your face!”