Britain and Spain are embroiled in a ferocious diplomatic incident after Boris Johnson hit King Felipe VI of Spain on the forehead with a spoon after mistaking him for a drinks waiter.
The incident, described by a seasoned diplomatic observer as being bigger than a Gibraltarian Barbary macaque mocking the Habsburg lisp, happened during a function to welcome the visiting monarchs.
The function was held at 10 Downing Street and was supposed to be a prelude to a tour of Soho by candlelight, lead by Ms May, and the firing of a barge full of sacrificial chorizo on the Thames.
Events took a turn for the calamitous when Larry the cat raced between Mr Johnson’s legs just as he was taking a seventh glass of Prosecco off the tray of a passing drinks waiter.
The waiter himself is described as having a resemblance so strong to King Felipe that it was madness to have employed him to work at a function at which the King himself would be present. Especially when the majority of the British dignitaries were expected to be rat assed drunk within moments of the kick off.
Mr Johnson apparently stumbled over Larry and proceeded to spill his Prosecco down the front of the low slung, red silk dress of a lady described by an aide to the Foreign Secretary as a ‘hot little bit of tail who reminds Boris of Penelope Cruz’.
She is unnamed but is believed to have been invited by Mr Johnson personally to make sure the function didn’t ‘bore the beelzebub out of my trousers’.
The wine spill led to the Cruz lookalike stumbling herself with her hands pressed to her face in shock and right into Queen Letizia of Spain who was just about to take a gluten free, halal compliant prawn canape off another tray.
The Queen is said to have hurled the canape away in distress after being struck. This food fragment struck Mr Johnson in the eye.
This catalogue of errors caused a partially blind Mr Johnson to allegedly behave as described by an eyewitness,
“He shouted ‘Once more unto the breach dear friends!’ before grabbing a spoon off a table full of chocolate puddings and launching himself after the scoundrel he thought was the drinks waiter, who Mr Johnson mistakenly believed started the comedy of errors.”
Unfortunately in his partially blind state Mr Johnson targeted King Felipe VI who was rushing to assist his Queen.
It’s reported the Foreign Secretary stepped in front of the King, mussed his hair with the spoon before striking him forcefully on the forehead with the back of the spoon.
He next placed the spoon in the stunned King’s blazer pocket and ordered him to ‘get a clean one.’
Downing Street is reported to be in lockdown in response to the catastrophic cock-up by Mr Johnson, but are considering replacing Larry the cat in the hope of mollifying an outraged King and Queen of Spain.