Google breaks under the strain of millions of Britons preparing their excuses for work on Monday morning.

As millions of us check up on the exact symptoms of sunstroke, the search engine has given up and collapsed in a pile of melted servers.

Pissed-up office worker Nigel Colinson told our reporter “I’ve had a fucking mint weekend getting on it in the sun. Now I need to know if it’s headache and clammy skin, or fever and vomiting. If I call my boss tomorrow saying I’ve got double vision and cramps he’ll know I’m bullshitting him. First rule of excuse club, know your symptoms!”

We spoke to a manager at busy insurance giant NotInMyClaim.com. He told the Herald that he was bracing himself for an empty office in the morning. But he assured us that he would deal with it through passive/aggressive use of the office email system later in the week. Politely reminding his subordinates that he also got a bit crazy on the weekend with a few cheeky ginger ales. But managed to avoid overdoing it, and still turned up for work on Monday.

Another reveller we spoke to told us; “I was smart about it. I saw on the long range forecast it was going to be a belter. Knew the boys were up for a couple of days getting muntered, so I’ve been dropping corn with my boss since Monday.”

“I’ve been telling him I had fever, muscular pain and explosive diahorrea all week. But have been soldiering through for my work mates. He thinks I’ve got Legionnaires disease now. That should sort me for the rest of the week.”

 

 

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