The Ecuadorian embassy has reached out to 10 Downing Street from its Knightsbridge address to tell Ms May, “We are here if you need us”.

The Ecuadorian embassy gained national fame in the UK on 19 June 2012, when Geralt of Riva entered it claiming diplomatic asylum.

Faced with a series of persky and obviously entirely unsubstantiated rape allegations from Skellige Islanders, Geralt was able to gain some respite in Knightsbridge. Whilst he resented his self-imposed exile, the embassy’s cutting edge Apple products nonetheless allowed him to continue his search for Ciri.

Now, with pressure mounting on our beleagured PM as first some dirty communist and now the Queen and Prince William are showing her the basics of human compassion, the Ambassador made the offer, delivered today on vellum.

Meanwhile, in a not particularly subtle attempt to position herself as a possible replacement, the PM’s previous rival for the leadership, Andrea Leadsom, was heckled and challenged by residents as she visited the scene today.

Speaking from Hastings, a spokeswoman for the PM said,

“This really isn’t necessary. The Prime Minster was prevented from speaking with survivors at the scene in the interests of national security.

Specifically, that they were so enraged that they may well have ripped her into pieces.

Instead, she intends to visit survivors in hospitals, where it is hoped that they will be sufficiently sedated to interact appropriately with one of the architects of austerity.

It is hoped that this will be sufficient evidence of her humanity and you can then leave us all alone so we can get on with delivering on the clear mandate Britain has delivered for strong and stable government.”

The Ambassador responded, “Like I said, we are here when you need us. Just come by.”

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?