Theresa May made the announcement after exit polls suggest that no single party will be able to form a government. “Let me be very clear on this,” she said, repeatedly. “Anarchy is preferable to the beardy joker’s boring competence.”

At last, a positive statement from Our Leader, but much too late. That particular horse bolted long before the strong and stable door closed.

Anarchist Paul Mafinger is delighted. “I couldn’t be arsed to vote,” he admits through a haze of looted moonshine, “and I have got the result I deserve for my efforts!”

There is concern, however, that a “coalition of chaos” may actually become reality rather than just a catchy slogan. Who will actually get the top job, if the polls prove accurate? Analysts at the BBC suggest that Corbyn and May are currently locked in a best-of nineteen game of rock paper scissors as we speak. The winner is believed to advance to Whitehall (collecting £200 if they pass Go) and the loser will have to attempt to patch some sort of majority together.

The Palace has been kept informed of developments, and although Her Majesty is staying tight lipped, it is believed that the Duke of Edinburgh has urged her to invite Paul Nuttall to form a government.

Meanwhile, ordinary people across the land are saying “what the hell just happened?” The Herald advises everyone to get on with life as normal and just muddle through as normal. After the lunacy of the last twelve months, a return to a complete lack of government will come as welcome relief.

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