Racists up and down the country have been shocked to learn that certain Arabic words like “Allah” and “Halal” actually translate into regular English words.

The fact that Arabic is simply a foreign language, while obvious to most people, seems to have bypassed a certain segment of the UK’s population.

Rochdale man Don Bekiddinme, 43, said, “you’re havin’ a laugh. What do you mean Allah means God? They’re two completely different characters. Allah’s that evil Muslamic alien dictator, God is our magic man who looks after us.”

When asked his opinion on the French word, “Dieu”, also meaning God, he said, “yeah, well, them Frogs is all a bit funny in the head, that’s why we need Brexit.”

Shirley Knott, 48, was similarly skeptical at the revelation that “halal” means “lawful”. “There’s nothin’ lawful about the way those animals are killed,” she said, while stomping on a caterpillar and eating a hamburger. When asked if she knew how that hamburger came to be, she replied, “don’t, you’ll put me off it.”

As for the word “Jihad” translating to “Holy War”, they both laughed in this reporter’s face. “What’s so flamin’ holy about these wars they’re declarin’, eh?” Don asked. The fact that there has been no formal declaration of war against the UK by any Muslim nation didn’t put him off. “It’s ISIS innit?” he replied. Again, the fact that ISIS were going after Muslims more than any other religious group left him cold. “They’re ‘avin’ a civil war then,” he said, “they can wipe each other out.”

I didn’t bother to make analogies to the Crusades, as it was clear they were sticking to their beliefs. When asked if they would like to learn Arabic for themselves, both of them shuddered. “You mean go to one of them Muslamic terrorist trainin’ camps?” Shirley said. “Not on your life!”

I then asked about the hamburger she was now finishing off, if she knew the name came from Hamburg, Germany. “Don’t be stupid!” she said. “This isn’t some foreign German muck! It’s a ham burger!”

So I asked where the ham was, and she was forced to admit there wasn’t any, but that sometimes they have bacon in them – “so the Muslims can’t have them.”

Sometimes you know you’re just banging your head against a brick wall. I got up, rolled my eyes at the shrine in the corner honouring Paul Golding, and left, shaking my head.

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