A Judge set a legal precedent today after ruling that stabbing someone is fine provided you are blonde, twenty four, have a posh name, great career prospects, went to an expensive school and are really smashing looking.

The judge was overseeing the trial of Cassandra Hockley-Shtich, a trainee surgeon who stabbed a man with a bread knife. Summing up the judge said, “Stabbing someone is an extremely serious crime. You should think yourself lucky you’re not a fat minger from the Falinge Estate otherwise it would have been hard porridge for you.”

The Judge who may have spent the last two weeks of the trial fantasising about the defendant said, “The poor girl was high as a kite on coke and there is evidence of drug addiction. As is often the case with drug addicts who commit violent crime I’m satisfied it’s one off and it absolutely, probably definitely won’t happen again.”

The defendant who is studying medicine, and whose Facebook profile shows her boarding a private jet like a perfectly normal everyday person, smiled sweetly, flicked her hair while slowing eating a banana in the dock as the judge said, “Being a surgeon is a good career and any further punishment wouldn’t be of value. The British Public would lose faith in the justice system if we locked up violent, drug addled medical staff for merely wounding loved ones with large knives.”

The Judge defered sentencing until September when his spank bank will require topping up.

Get monthly highlights in your inbox