• The recent ransomware attack on the NHS and many others across the world definitely means that GCHQ need to read your email, announced the government today.

“We definitely have to have access to all encryption keys and legal rights to snoop on absolutely anybody even if they have never so much as thought of doing anything wrong,” explained James Fernly-Bond of MI9, “and a piece of malware spread by dodgy attachments is absolutely the proof of that.”

Campaigners for civil liberties and not living a hellish police state say that the authorities will use any excuse to justify their increasingly paranoid curtailment of basic rights.

“Well, that sounds like the kind of thing a terrorist sympathising spy would say,” said GCHQ Director of Snoopery, Noah C Parker in response, “Anybody who has nothing to hide has nothing to fear. Can you think of any times a government has abused such things?”

Meanwhile, Republicans across the Atlantic are saying that the ransomware attack is proof that net neutrality is evil.

As are the Russians.

And every other government.

“We only want to keep you safe,” said a voice that called us when we started looking into this, “and you wouldn’t want everyone to know what you did in 1993 with two squirrels, a litre of vaseline and a metre of ribbed tubing, would you?”

We er…We have no idea what the voice was on about. Honest.

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When the aeons of war left the gods dead and the universe decimated, a single duck rose from the ashes and stood for justice and freedom! It wasn't me, that duck, but we look quite bit alike.