A Rochdale man is currently receiving counselling and treatment for first-degree burns after failing to give the correct answer to a blatantly loaded question posed by his wife.

James Grossweiner, 52, was caught floundering shortly after breakfast on Sunday when his wife, Helen, dropped a bombshell by asking “Do you fancy mowing the lawn today?” After a brief pause, the hapless James stammered “Errr…. Not really.” It appears that the situation deteriorated rapidly. A spokesman from Rochdale Infirmary has confirmed that a man is being treated for facial scalding and trauma to both ears. His condition is described as neither strong nor stable.

The Herald’s medical intern, Douglas, managed to interview Mr Grossweiner on a trolley in  the hospital car park in between lapses of consciousness. “It all happened so quickly,” he said. “One minute I was mopping up the last of my fried egg with a slice of toast, the next I was writhing in agony with a face full of scalding coffee and an ungodly shrieking in my ears. I never stood a chance.”

“I thought the hardest decision I would be making today was where to watch the football. Usually I would opt for the pub with my mates, but having just got Sky Sports HD I was thinking of grabbing a few cans and staying at home. The third option, mowing the bloody jungle with a clapped out Honda had never occurred to me so I just blurted out the first thing that came into my head.”

Consultant otolaryngologist, Mr Maleus Stapes told The Herald “We see this kind of ear trauma all too often, and it’s particularly prevalent amongst men and is seldom work-related. Our advice to those in the high-risk category is to avoid dangerous situations by acknowledging spousal queries with a prompt affirmative response.”

Mrs Grossweiner was unapproachable for comment.

Get monthly highlights in your inbox

SHARE
I live a simple, alcohol dependent life. I often try to elevate small talk to medium talk, but usually give up after a couple of large brandies. My main hobbies are breakfast, lunch and dinner. You can follow me if you feel like it. You can also chew glass if you feel like it.