The nation was in shock this afternoon after rumours began circulating that Ed Miliband had done something useful somewhere up North.

“It can’t be true.” Maureen Liphook of Middleton Labour NEC told The Herald. “He’s a nice enough bloke, ask anybody, except his brother obviously don’t ask him, but he’s less use than a chocolate fireguard or a cigarette lighter on a motorcycle.”

Miliband, who was fired from his job as a paperweight by the electorate in the last general election, was allegedly seen cutting somebody’s lawn in Doncaster yesterday.

“He lost an election to David Cameron, I wouldn’t have thought that was possible. Are you sure he was operating a lawn mower? We’re there any survivors?”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.