The first opinion poll conducted since Prime Minister Theresa May called a snap general election for June 8th has delivered a shock result.
A staggering 56% of the 1,478 people polled by UK polling agency Morbid, said they would prefer Syrian President Bashar Al Assad as UK Prime Minister, in preference to Mrs May, or any of the other UK party leaders.
According to Morbid, a majority of voters see Assad as a leader who, while given to draconian measures, actually keeps his word and doesn’t flip-flop every five minutes depending on what he thinks is best for him and his cronies.
Mrs May herself polled only 29% against 15% for Lib Dem leader Tim Farron, and 5% for UKIP leader Paul “I woz der” Nuttall.
“Mathematicians will have spotted that those four together total 105%, which is because Jeremy Corbyn polled a statistically unlikely -5%.” explained Morbid spokesman Lisa Damlisanstatistics, disclosing that the contempt in which Corbyn is held by a significant portion of the electorate had taken the pollsters completely by surprise.
“Generally speaking, voters were receptive to his promises of free school meals, increased minimum wages, milk, honey, ovine and leonine fraternity and perpetual happiness,” he said,
“but frankly they think there’s more chance of Rochdale AFC signing Messi, winning the premiership and then celebrating by flying the entire town to the planet Ftrungh for a really good after match party, than the minge-faced loser ever being elected prime minister,” she explained.
“Sad, but there it is. And, unlike Corbyn, at least Bashar has the chance of appealing to the far right, given that contrary to popular misconception he isn’t even actually a Muslim.”