The Prime Minister claims the possible loss of up to twenty MPs from a working majority of seventeen in the run-up to Brexit is “absolutely not a factor” in her decision to circumvent the principles of the Fixed Term Parliament Act in calling a general election, despite previous assurances from Number 10 that no early general election was planned – or even permissible.

It simply never occurred to the PM to use a general election to quietly deselect MPs facing investigation and whose loss threatened her vision of Brexit and the future glories of Empire 2.0 through a Machiavellian strategy of using the disarray in Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition to carry a dissolution vote in Parliament, sources close to the PM said.

“It simply never occurred to me to use a general election to quietly deselect MP’s facing investigation whose loss would threaten my vision of Brexit and the future glories of Empire 2.0.” A memo from Theresa May read. “It’s purely a coincidence, just lucky I guess.”

Using Parliament to subvert its own will is, however, a new low even in this day and age….

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