In the not too distant past, school shootings were the stuff of tabloid dreams, but in a post Sandy Hook world, the circumstances of your child’s death could leave them, and you, gasping for media oxygen.
So, if your child gets slain in his or her place of study, make sure you have taken the following precautions:
#1 Make sure child is as young as possible.
Child deaths become less tragic as the child gets older. By the time the victim is a teenager, most people suspect they were probably an asshole anyway.
PROTIP: Take your child out of school once they’re no longer “cute.”
#2 Make sure your child is a girl.
Tabloids love a great “young girl” photo, especially if there are any indications she could’ve grown up to be physically attractive.
PROTIP: Some people swear by carefully timing copulation with ovulation, but we suggest aborting males.
#3 Make sure your child is white.
This could really be number one on the list. No one gives a damn about dead brown kids.
PROTIP: If you have the misfortune to be not-white, start looking for suitable mates right now. Who knows, a few generations from now, your offspring might be worth media coverage.
#4 Make sure that many other kids die at the same time, with a bonus for any heroic teachers.
A single death in a school used to be shocking enough, but not anymore!
PROTIP: The best solution here is to enroll your kids in schools with large class sizes and a relaxed attitude to student counseling.
#5 Make sure the murderer used a military grade weapon.
Not only will this increase the chances of #4 occurring, it’ll also stimulate vast amounts of public protestation from the pro and anti-gun lobbies.
PROTIP: Always vote for politicians who stand up for gun owners’ rights. That’s a given.
#6 Make sure you don’t die yourself.
As well as the obvious advantage of still being alive, your child’s brutal slaughter is more attractive to the media if they have grief stricken parents to exploit in the aftermath.
PROTIP: Stay away from the school yourself. Seriously, those paces are death traps.
#7 Make sure your child’s murderer is a black or a Muslim.
A “mentally troubled lone wolf” can quickly become a typical representative of an entire race or religion with just a sprinkling of “otherness.”
PROTIP: Continue to support the deep divisions in society without ever wondering what drives people to desperate acts.
Don’t let your child become another Jonathan Martinez, act today!