In a move designed to strengthen the government’s hand before Brexit negotiations begin in earnest, every British family is to be assigned a UKIP voting mother in law.
All mother in laws will be tested on Monday to determine if they have the correct political affiliations. Any substandard matriarchs will immediately be replaced with an elderly lady who resembles Alf Garnett.
A spokescrab for the Home Office clarified,
“Clearly well to do families won’t need to be tested. Most likely anyone even a little bit posh will have something akin to a Wooster Aunt in house, but the lower orders, that’s where we’ll need to act.”
And act fast. Fines will be levied upon households of any family with a net income less than £100K a year who does not present their mother-in-law for testing.
“This is really just a pilot scheme.” The spokeslobster explained. “Once it has been successfully implemented we’ll be rolling it out to take in the mothers of people who aren’t actually married legally, but cohabiting.”
But complaints have been raised that the scheme is discriminatory for not involving London. Given the average rental on a cupboard in a shared bedsit is now £20K a month, clearly anyone resident in the capital already earns above the threshold even if they don’t eat every day.
“We’re not worried about the capital.” The spokesscampi made clear. “London is a lost cause politically. It’ll be wholly Libdem soon. We’re going to creatively destroy it and replace it with a fair ground for the proles to play in post breakfast. I mean Brexit.”
So get your mothers ready. And get them tested. Tested for Britain!