Following the outcry over the alleged chemical weapons attacks in Syria, the Pentagon have confirmed that the only legal chemicals you can use to kill children are high explosives and white phosphorus.

“We’ve been happily and legally killing children for years with explosives, while our erstwhile allies in Israel have been pioneering the use of white phosphorus to burn children alive – without breaking the law…”, said General Voldemort, head of the US Chemical Weapons Ethics Committee.

“The fact is, everything contains chemicals because matter is made up of chemical compounds. So we need to distinguish between bad chemicals, like Syrian or Russian chemicals, and the good ones that belong to the USA and Israel. The important distinction,” he continued, “…is that our burning, maiming and killing is completely above board. Those kids can die happy in the knowledge that no war crimes were committed.”

President Trump said he had no idea that human beings also contained chemicals or that the distribution of chemicals around the world was so widespread. “This is bigly serious science shit…”, he said.

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