With no aircraft carriers and military resources already overstretched in Afghanistan, the Ministry of Defence has announced that it is calling up the UK’s “third force” of semi professional social media trolls to help protect Gibraltar from imminent Spanish invasion.
An MoD spokesman confirmed to the Herald that his “Twitter army” of obese, red faced 40+ males will be equipped with commando knives, ninja stars, camouflage jackets by St George at Asda and a year’s supply of supermarket lager.
Deployed alongside the macaque monkeys on the rock they will engage enemy Spanish forces with traditional British war cries of “farrrrrrrk oooffffffff”, “farrrkin mooooslimists”, and ” we all fooking ‘ate Spain”, while hurling empty beer cans and monkey poo, and making hand traditional British hand gestures.
Speaking to the Herald, twitter army recruit Gerry Dumpster from Swindon confirmed his qualifications for taking on the professional Spanish army, a member of Nato since 1982.
“I’ve watched “the Great Escape” must be twenty times now, my granddad was in the home guard in world war two and my uncle was in the TA for a year,” he said adding that at least he was pretty sure he was his uncle ‘cos he was always round his auntie’s like, and always gave him a quid to “go to the pictures”.
Gerry confirmed that he could have joined the army himself when he left school but he’d already got his bird up the stick and she wouldn’t let him.
“I’ve been done for D&D and threatening behaviour loads, and I spend all my spare time taunting poofs and snowflakes and other mooslimists on social media, so I’m not afraid of a ruck, like,” he added.
An MoD spokesman confirmed that Twitter Army recruits will also be equipped with small rubber boats with which to make their escape “Dunkirk style”, back to the UK when it all inevitably goes pear shaped.
“That’s assuming they don’t get picked up by French and Spanish trawlers in the Bay of Biscay and used as tuna bait,” he added.
