The European Union, desperate for the UK to remain, have said that the proposed European Standard Weather system due to come into operation early next year, could be extended to the UK – but only if we change our mind about leaving.

Weather standardisation has long been an aim of Brussels – having the same weather everywhere across the EU provides a uniform experience for all EU citizens. “Britain has short wet summers and long cold winters…”, said a Met Office spokesperson, “…if we moved to European Standard Weather we would have long, hot and sunny summers and short mild winters.”

The news has prompted many ‘marginal leavers’ to change their minds, meaning that if the referendum was to be re-run, the Remain side would easily win.

UKIP’s reaction was immediate: “This is the country of rain, snow, mist, pea-soup fogs and Jack the Ripper…”, said Rooster McWomble the UKIP Wevver Spokesfing, “…friendly coppers giving you a smack round the head, capital punishment, venereal disease and the twist. A country where a hardworking man wasn’t afraid to come home drunk and give his wife and kids a hiding.”

Labour have called for the government to negotiate for European Standard Weather as part of the Brexit settlement. Brussels have responded: “Yes, that’s not going to happen. Suck on it.”

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