Slightly right leaning liberal centrists declared publicly today that they wish everybody would just piss off.

"I wish everybody would just piss off." Bob "Bobby" Angelo, a retired pot dealer and part-time chip shop owner from Middleham told The Herald.

"I'm frankly sick of half the people saying fuck the Tories and the other half banging on about how everything Jeremy Corbyn says is wrong. It's like I'm not allowed to be left leaning on some issues and right leaning on others. Or even to change my mind."

"Personally I don't really think the government should be a lumbering bureaucracy or that benefits should be a lifestyle. But at the same time I don't think we should burn dementia sufferers for fuel."

"Just because I think it would be lovely to not need Trident doesn't mean I think we shouldn't have it. I'm allowed to believe in more than one thing at once, I'm even allowed to be massively confused about complicated issues and change my mind about them several times a day. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe that's the new paradigm." He told the Herald between drags of organic Afghan Kush.

"Half the fucking problem is only 10% of people know what the word paradigm means, the other half of the problem is that the other 90% can't be arsed to google it."

"Facebook's making everybody lazy. NewsThump wrote a funny article about Theresa May reducing NHS waiting lists by murdering first born babies, I enjoyed it, but there'll be a whole generation of phone addicted halfwits who'll think that was an actual manifesto pledge, if they knew what a manifesto was."

"It's easy just to shout that the Tories are a bunch of bastards, don't get me wrong Gove is a prize twat and May is a vapid gurning halfwit but to do so without reading their manifesto makes you a dickhead."

"Milliband lost because arguing against policies like reducing the tax on minimum wage workers to nil, doubling free childcare places and building 500 more schools was actually impossible. He also can't eat a bacon sandwich."

"Just calling people twats, even if they are twats, without listening to them is not a good basis for a society. You do that you end up with Brexit and Trump."

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.