The government’s planned “Great Repeal Bill” to change 44 years worth of EU legislation into British law is slated to help turn the clock back to a golden age of British life.
Aside from the return of bendy bananas and chips wrapped in old newspapers the bill will pave the way for the return of long lost confectionary favourites, not least the much missed tubular wrapped boiled sweets, “Spangles”.
First launched in the 1950s, Spangles disappeared in the 1980s following the introduction of EU legislation stipulating that boiled sweets be made from and flavoured with, real boils, or be clearly labelled as lumps of sugar laced with coloured dye and chemical flavouring.
Brexit secretary David Davis announced Friday that the repeal of EU law would allow for the return of the full range of Spangles flavours including “Acid Drop”, “Barley Sugar”, “peppermint”, “Mixed Fruit” “Fizzy Cola” and “Fizzy Orange”.
“But probably not “Old English” though because let’s face it, no one ever ate them except your Nan and she’s probably got dementia and wouldn’t know the difference between them and a table leg,” he snorted.
The rehabilitation of Spangles is expected to herald a new golden age of British dentistry.
Spangles played a major role in the normalisation of the widespread childhood consumption of huge quantities of what was essentially raw sugar.
The huge growth in popularity of the square shaped confectionary in the 60s and 70s caused a huge spike in the income of private dentistry practices which could charge the NHS pretty much what they wanted for providing free dentistry to the under 18s.
This in turn led to the great 1980s London property boom as cash rich tooth fairies sought to catapult themselves into the league of the super rich by buying up and renting out entire streets of then cheap housing to low paid workers forced to move to London to find jobs following the desecration of British industry at the hands of then prime minister Margaret Thatcher.
Davis also confirmed that the great repeal will allow for the ending of the lexical abomination that is the ” Snickers ” bar and the return of their original British name, “Marathon”.
Similarly, Evil Swiss multinational Nestlé will be forced to stop selling Kit Kats in plastic bags and to reintroduce the original packaging.
“Finally once again , Kit Kats will be available wrapped in aluminium foil and inside a paper sleeve, the way God intended,” he said and that other long lost chocolate favourites could be reintroduced.
“We are establishing a Brexit confectionary committee which will examine the case of each long lost treasure on an individual basis after,” he said explaining that high on the list are the “Amazin’ Raisin bar”, “Aztec”, “Ice Breaker” and the Commonwealth favourite, “Old Jamaica”.
However he cautioned that it won’t all be one way traffic, adding that the committee will also look at imposing a temporary ban on Everton mints – “until they pull their shit together and actually win something”.
Beyond confectionary Davis also confirmed that other long lost staples of British life are set for a revival Bus conductors, nit ladies, Whizzer and Chips comic and those terrifying foot measuring machines you used to see in shoe shops could all be set for a return, as could the crumbly white dog turds that were once a familiar site on every street corner during the never ending long hot summer days of an English childhood, he said.
“Frankly until I’ve been checked for nits, and am walking down the street munching a bar of Old Jamaica, reading Sid’s Snake and I inadvertently tread on a dog turd, I won’t believe we have really thrown of the yoke of Brussels,” he smiled.