The bank of England and Royal Mint announced today that the new pound coin that entered into circulation this week is made using the blubber of baby seals.

After much controversy from vegans, and middle-class white people being offended on behalf of Hindus, regarding the use of beef tallow in the new fiver and then plans to use the environmentally unfriendly palm oil in the forthcoming new twenty quid slice, the bank decided now was was the best time to make this known so that all the people who wish to be offended can do so more efficiently.

“We had planned to use the stem cells of aborted babies,” said money designer May Kabuck, “but then it turned out that stem cells are rubbish for this purpose so we went with the more palatable option of clubbing a bunch of seal pups to death. I think if you can accept Trump as a frigging politician you can get over this.”

The new two pound coin, due in 2019, is likely to be equally offensive in its ingredients.

“That? Yeah,” says May, “We’re making that one out of Winston Churchill’s corpse and the remains of Jesus.”

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