Scientists at the renowned Rochdale Community University’s Social Physics department announced the discovery of a new energy source today.
“We discovered that the heat radiated by the self-righteous when they’re offended could supply most of the world with enough power to get rid of coal burning power stations altogether,” said Dr Sue Toon, “We’re tremendously excited by the breakthrough.”
The discovery was made earlier in the week as thousands of people trawled the internet looking for things they could type some variation of the sentiment “too soon” under.
“It was fascinating to watch,” said Dr Toon, “Several satire publications published things that were clearly an attempt to tell the terrorists to go fuck themselves with a syringe full of syphilis, or to celebrate British resolve but people still managed to be offended. The heat generated nearly melted Theresa May’s heart!”
Of course, offence isn’t limited to the aftermath of tragedies. Look at the vast majority of posts on the internet that allow comments and it soon becomes obvious that many people are offended by anything that isn’t their exact opinion. And in some cases they’re also offend by their exact opinion, picking fault with whatever they can.
“Indeed. The level of indignation and offendedness on any given day is enough to end all carbon based energy production,” said Dr Toon, “At least it will be once we can find a way to harvest it.”
But unfortunately, despite initial high hopes, this new source of power won’t be able to stop climate change.
“Even if we do abandon all CO2 causing methods,” warned Dr Toon, “the amount of hot air these self-appointed reactionary moral police will melt the ice caps just as fast as they are now.”