In the event of you suffering a serious accident that leaves you dead or incapacitated, your cat, definitely won’t eat your face, probably, a spokestabby told the Herald.

“The very thought is just distasteful,” he told us as he lounged on the pillow belonging to the only person in the house who is allergic to cat hair.

“I mean, I’m no Lassie, obviously. If something terrible were to happen to my owner it’s not like I’m going to bound across to the telephone, knock it off the cradle, paw 999, and then purr at the operator until they dispatch an ambulance.

“But if I were you I wouldn’t expect the dog to do it either, the fucking simpleton.”

Taking a short break to sharpen his claws on the new pair of jeans left hanging over an armchair, he went on to explain that the decision would in no way be influenced by trips to the vet.

“What’s a pair of testicles between friends?” he said. “I’m not one to hold grudges, and I certainly wouldn’t use it as justification to chew off the fleshy little ball at the end of your nose as you lie dying on the floor.

“I also resent the implication that I have any culinary designs on those soft, delicious-looking chunks of flesh you claim are just prominent cheekbones, you fat pig.”

Dogs released a short statement claiming that he was absolutely probably not responsible for the massive turd on the hall carpet.

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