An exclusive Herald investigation has revealed the extent to which the government’s monitoring agency GCHQ can manipulate public opinion through the hacking of common household appliances.

Following news that GCHQ was involved in helping Obama tap president Trump’s buildings with microwave radiation during the election campaign, a whistle-blower has revealed that domestic toasters have been hacked with top-secret technology that can change the minds of those who voted to leave the European Union.

According to our source, the technology involves advanced algorithms delivered into toasters via mains electricity, attuning the heating elements to ‘cosmic rays’ and altering the genetic structure of toast which is then absorbed into the human body. This can alter the way in which humans process complex information.

Our mole revealed that top brass in GCHQ were afraid of losing their position as the European super state’s chief intelligence agency and are being manipulated by sinister sources. “Not saying anything but Bilderberg, Rothschild, New World Order and Lizard People..”, he said, adding, “…they are hoping that if enough people can be persuaded to change their minds, we will remain in the EU.”

Alastair C Womble, a long time Rochdale resident and former ‘Leave’ campaigner has noticed a change in his feelings towards Brexit: “It’s not just me – a lot of my friends are also suspecting that we made the wrong decision…”, he said. “The one thing we all have in common is toast.”

We handed our evidence along with Mr Womble’s toaster to Professor Ron Number of Rochdale University College of Advanced Technology. Later that day he contacted the Herald. “The documents you have given me appear to be written on stationery emanating from a secure mental ward in Rochdale Hospital. I have disassembled and extensively examined the toaster, and I can confirm, it’s just a toaster. Nothing more.”

However, when we passed this information back, our source was suspicious. “Professor Number once met a man in a pub who had a cousin who’s friend’s brother’s uncle once worked for the security services. He’s been knobbled…”, he said.

Coming out of the Herald building, a woman gave me a funny look. As I was doing up my flies, I began to wonder if GCHQ had also put me under surveillance.

 

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