UK based vacuum cleaner and household electronics company Dyson has no involvement whatsoever in spying on US President Donald Trump, sources close to the company confirmed to The Rochdale Herald.
The source categorically denied allegations made by senior White House officials that a wide variety of white goods and other home electronics had been employed personally by President Obama to spy on activities in Trump Towers during last year’s presidential election campaign.
Speaking independently of company owner Jeremy Dyson a V8 cordless stick
upright categorically denied the claims.
“Frankly this is absurd. We’re bagless cleaners not microwave ovens, we have no capability to morph into cameras,” he said.
“Anyway, as everyone knows Dyson products are all manufactured by third party joint venture companies in Malaysia. Even if we’d wanted to spy on dust bunnies and residues of spilled beans, and “other substances” inside Trump Towers, we’re far too busy removing all discernible traces of Malaysian Airlines flight MH370. Let’s get real here,” he added.
His denial was echoed by a special mothers’ day edition Dyson supersonic hair dryer in fuchsia pink/iron in limited edition pink presentation box and retailing at £319.99.
“Granted we could dry out any suspicious yellow fluids faster than any cheaply produced Chinese made hairdryer available for a tenner at any supermarket but that doesn’t mean we would do,” she said.
“As buyers in the European Union aren’t willing to pay for our ridiculously over-designed and over-priced products we’re banking on a sweetheart deal with Trump to allow us ready access to the US market,” she added.
Quizzed on how the poor white trash who voted Trump could be expected to stump for premium priced Dyson products when they can no longer afford healthcare, the hairdryer demurred, pointing out only that those who appreciate good design and cutting edge engineering will always be prepared to pay that little bit extra even if it means dying in indescribable agony in a pool of their own vomit and faeces.
“The DC56 cordless works on both wet and dry carpets and hard floors, and could easily get rid of any suspicious yellow liquids without the need for any security vetting by the Department of Homeland Security, and will ensure the White House stays white,” she said pointing pointed out adding that some previous occupants had preferred Hoovers.
Company owner Jeremy Dyson, who publicly supported the “leave” campaign in last year’s Brexit referendum on the grounds that it was too much of a fag for him to translate the instructions for his bizarrely coloured products into 27 other European languages in order that people from 27 other European countries might be able to understand how to operate them, was unavailable for comment Friday.
Sources close to the aging self publicist were unable to confirm or deny that his recent silence has been due to his having inserted his own head into his back passage in an effort to understand the implications of The UK leaving the European Union, which is in the process of negotiating a free trade deal with Malaysia, and being forced to import his products to the UK under WTA rules.