Indigenous British cockwombles have been given official European Union “endangered species” designation as their numbers have plummeted due to loss of habitat to invasive foreign sock puppets.
The new listing makes it illegal for residents in EU member states to either kill or maim British cockwombles, trade in their skins or other body parts or to damage designated habitats of breeding populations of cockwombles.
European Commission spokesman for endangered species Hugh Ardeesvankas told the Rochdale Herald Saturday that the listing of British cockwombles as endangered had become a matter of some urgency as numbers have plummeted over the past year due in a large part to the Brexit referendum and the US presidential election.
“The increasing use of professional sock puppets and even automated bots to spread malicious and malign comments through social media has really taken its toll on British cockwombles,” he said.
As essentially solitary creatures they are unable to compete for habitat and mating grounds with highly organised gangs of sock puppets or the even more predatory robotic bots, he explained.
“Shorn of the oxygen of publicity and unable to outrage people by masturbating their miniscule intellects in public, they wither and die under the piles of badly stained porn mags in which they make take shelter,” he added.
Ardeesvankas explained that entire areas of the United Kingdom were being depopulated of the once common cockwombles whose mating calls of “cupcake, cupcake”, “commeeee snowflake” and “farkin’ cowarrrrrds” had once added much needed colour to the grey inner city wasteland of barren car parks and out of town shopping centres.
And he added, once the cockwombles have gone other species with which they enjoy symbiotic relationships also suffer.
Fat slags, instantly recognisable in their bulging skin tight ski pants, and which frequently parasitize cockwombles, cadging drinks and tabs, are usually the first to go.
They are followed by other indigenous species such as “normal people” – known for its easily recognisable territorial call of “I’m not a racist but”, and who frequently use cockwombles as cover for their own narcissistic, self aggrandising anti-social behaviour, he explained.
“Whole areas are losing their populations of indigenous cockwombles, Swindon is now down to a single non-breeding male,” he said speaking to the Herald’s Swindon based sister paper, Thames Valley Twatticle Gerry Dumpster, the last remaining indigenous cockwomble in the Swindon area complained bitterly that he hadn’t had a decent wank in public for months.
“Time was I could log onto any dirty leftist web site or Facebook page, call them all poofs and snowflakes and they’d be up arms, ” said Dumpster.
“That was me set for hours of fun goading them into exposing their profiles and calling them out for a fight. But nowadays all I get is pity and nicey nicey requests for me to bring my mates. Seriously, if I had any mates do you think I’d be wasting my time cranking out a jizz stain on social media?” he asked.
“The sock puppet gangs have done for me, you just can’t wind these people up any more,” he sobbed.